Joined: Jul 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 1,948 Karma: 70
Approach Anxiety: Who Gives a Fuck? « Thread Started on Jul 16, 2011, 3:49am »
This is for all you fuckers who kept bitching about their AA to me. <3
WARNING: There is only one magic pill. And its inside you, and finding that pill, will be the hardest thing you will ever do. I am not an expert, I'm just a guy thats gone through the yards of PUA bullshit as well as fucking up repeatedly in real life, and found somethings that help me, I hope some people get some use out of my experiences. Also this is pretty obscene. Also the comics are from Adventurously Awkward.
The situation: Your chilling with your friends, eating, talking, or whatever the fuck you do with your friends, and even though its not really super engaging for the most part your having a good time. As you smile and laugh you see something out of the corner of your eye. You can't tell what it is, but it sure is SOMETHING. You turn your head a little and alarm bells go off in your head, its the finest girl you've seen in weeks. Short skirt, nice chest, beautiful face, a smile brighter then your average nuclear blast in other words: the works.
What should happen: You get up off your ass, you walk over to her, smiling all the way, call out
'hey!'
she turns around, you come up, get close and open, run solid game, get her number, and probably a kiss if your feeling paticulary awesome, and you go back to your friends with another beautiful woman in your life.
What actually happens: You start to get up and your brain goes into over drive, you start to panic, you quietly freak out. What if she ignores me? What if she thinks I'm stupid? What if she grows a bladed phallus and penetrates my sternum?!You come up with all these crazy possibilities, making excuses, and wasting all this time. You watch as she walks away, and as soon as shes out of sight you realize that you could have had her, and now she's gone forever. Now you feel like shit, congratulations.
That sucked.
Your Brain kind of does this number when that happens:
And I dont care who the fuck you are, even the guy who approached was shitting his pants. OPENING SUCKS! Big donkey dong. No matter who you are, how many times you've opened, how many girls youve fucked, it sucks.
Those of use who are in the 'PUA' community labeled why you didnt go out and get her to suck your dick as 'Approach Anxiety.' AA, its nerdy acronym, is a plague for new comers and Master Pick-up Artists alike, and is one of the largest obstacles in our way. Why? Why is approaching a woman, who is usually smaller and weaker then you, so fucking terrifying? Why do our hands sweat, our minds go blank, and our hearts race? Because we believe if we don't succeed with her we will die.
Seriously.
There is a biological trigger in your brain which was developed so that your forefathers could better survive, and this trigger tells you to NOT FUCK IT UP with the women in your tribe, because chances are they are the only women you will ever now, and they gossip, if you make one false move, your not having kids. This knowledge has been around for a while, and in the end, it is ultimately worthless to you. However, there is something you need to realize, this fear is both biological and psychological, because our respective cultures promotes this fear and a t your point in your life you've been conditioned to think like that. No matter how many guys tell you to 'be confident' or just 'go talk to her' you will still be afraid, and its never going away. And there lies the double edged sword of opening, but more on that a little later. BTW primal emotions are pretty powerful.
I have a cure all for approach anxiety, and you've known it for years, even if you didnt know what PUA was till a few minutes ago, and its very simple:
DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT HAPPENS, JUST LIVE IN THE MOMENT AND HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS HUMANELY POSSIBLE!
This phrase right now is probably as useful as this:
Approach Anxiety is so never going away, and if thats so true, why in the hell does there need to be any more article? Simple, because AA is fear, and fear can always be OVERCOME. We like to call that courage. That and your secret weapon.
Mindset is more important than anything, how you perceive reality is how you succeed in it, its just a ride:
Sex
But isnt that whats fucking our brains up? I'm glad you asked that, and the answer is yes, yes it is whats fucking us up. But only in our frontal lobe, that conscious part of your brain. You think about sex, you make her a sexual creature, and you brain will start pumping these fantastic chemicals all over your body, you think Alcohol is liquid courage? Well I think your hormones have got that shit beat.
So heres what I do, I think with my dick. I think about what I would do to her, I look at those luscious lips, those fantastic tits, and that fine ass, and I go wild inside. Fear? What the fuck is that And to top off this cocktail of horniness I imagine that last night, this girl I'm looking at, is masturbating to me. Screaming my name, clawing the sheets, and then, the secret weapon shows itself. Just looking at her, imaging that, you cant but help to get that little smile, that sexy smirk, and with eye contact that smirk is the equivalent of a trojan horse for game, you bypass everything, bitch shields, friends, assorted PUA jargon, ect ect.
My dick will lead me to victory, and I strap a helmet on little prodigy and we go to war.
Now this is all fine and dandy if you can escalate and game the girl, if you have those skills then you are good to go, just get sex to the forefront of your mind, remember to have a good time, and go out there and get some. Don't let fear get the best of you either.
But more likely then not, since your on this website, you need a little edumacation. So heres how I broke down AA in my head, and the mindsets/techniques I am prone to use.
Foundations:
In order to conquer AA one must attack it with a dual pronged assault, simultaneously taking care of our inner game and outer game. This is because they are both part of the smae thing, you cant have one without the other, and when it does happen, weird shit starts to happen, super douches and routine robots run rampant and you still arent getting laid.
Inner game is everything that goes on inside your head, how you feel about yourself, how you deal with internal conflicts, what your beliefs are ect ect. Inner game is what pushes people, what makes a man, and what ultimately deterimens what life gives you. First off in order to make any change in inner game you need some motivation.
MOTIVATION
“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar
You need to find what gets you out of bed everyday, and if you dont even have the feeling of motivation you need to find something you like doing, becuase without that drive to constantly evolve and change, to adapt to the world, you will be destroyed by laziness and procrastination. If you need to meditate, listen to sick beats, watch an inspiring movie, join a sport, or build a business, you need to start doing it, unless you are motivated to succeed you will fail.
This will never fail to keep me motivated:
Said the Abyss to Hamlet. Don't look to deeply into me. All I am is nothing and nothingness. I am but endless darkness and relentless silence. I am unmoving yet no dust settles herein. There are no answers here, warrior. Break your catatonic stare. Act now. Leave me forever and with the rest of your days, strike hard and decisively. Why let your fury lay deep inside you, sullenly boiling your blood into silent steam and grinding your bones to dust? Is it not better to thrust it out with great velocity from every pore, with your every action? Let your actions speak your legend. The physical is a manifestation of the spirit. Let your spirit be teeming with fury. Let your strength be unusual and controlled. The average is the borderline that keeps mere men in their place. Those who step over that line are heroes by the vary act. Go.
-Henry Rollins
MENTAL MASTURBATION:
Stay out of your head, whatever you do, just dont think, DO! And dont go into denial, saying that you never get wrapped up in your own head. Becuase we know your full of it.
BELIEFS
Find out what you believe in, and I dont mean the great bearded man in the sky, but what you feel about the world, and where you draw the line. Having the balls to stand up for what you believe in is not only incredibly satisfying and healthy, but its a very attractive quality.
FRAME
This is just how you feel about a specific moment of time, from your point of view, this can also be called perspective. What you call reality is not objective, it is subject to your various filters and biases, and as such, how events are perceived and how people see you, can be changed simply by thinking differently.
This is can be as simple as telling yourself that this wont kill you by talking to this girl and believing that.
CHANGE is the only constant. Fuck perfection.
YOUR GREATER SELF
Your consciousness is made up of parts, freud attempted to describe these parts as the id, the ego, and the super ego, but there are even far more factions in your own mind, all based on your feeling and beliefs. Some parts of your mind, especially the ego, attempt to handle all the responsibility on their own, and they leave themselves unnecessarily vulnerable to the outside world. You can actually tap into all parts simultaneously by finding your greater self. Now I know this sounds like some serious new age bullshit, but if any of you guys have gone out with some bros, its comforting to know that your not totally alone when you go to make a fool of yourself when your learning this stuff. Setting yourself up so that you recognize that yes you are afraid, and accepting that you are a combination of many parts, has been incredibly helpful for me. You need to know yourself, accept who you are, and love who you are, because thats whats really important. And not self-love, freaking pervs...
MINDSETS
The central power of inner game is the mindsets you collect. I'm just going to list out some of the more helpful ones:
Overreacting is beneath you. Nothing good will come from reacting to shit, especially your own fear of approaching. Don't let shit get under your skin.
You live in the moment There is no past, or future, just NOW. If you dont enjoy now, you dont enjoy living.
Opening doesnt mean anything Its just you introducing yourself, and unless you REALLY fuck it up, generally does not matter...at all
The girls reaction to you opening is even more useless It does not matter how she reacts, even if shes bitchy, the whole damn point of opening, in any circumstance, is to introduce yourself,
I'm just giving her the chance to find out who I am Your not some creep trying to pick her up, your having a goddamn adventure and want her to tag along.
I'm here to have a good time This is your ultimate goal, and with this in mind you will succeed with women, every single time. You dont care about the inane bullshit, the mental masturbation (Not the fantasy, the over thinking, you dirty bastards ), the tool, none of it matters, as long as your having a good time.
Being social is fun, talking with people is ENJOYABLE Duh. Would you rather be partying, or masturbating* in a corner.
In reality I'm not even opening this girl, I'm just finding out who she is Girls are not all created equal, and looks are only skin deep. Take it from someone whose fucked up before, dont even think twice about cutting loose the crazy chicks, they will just make your life a living hell.
The Double Edged Sword Its the idea that the fear is SOCIAL ANXIETY! Which means it doesnt reflect on you, everyone feels it because our culture is fucked up. Break free of this BS and prove that this isnt you, this is just a social construction to make you weak.
You're not gaming anyone NO PUA JARGON! NO GAMING! NO TARGETS! your out there to meet people, not hunting a piece of ass.
I dictate the terms, but I'm not an ass In the end, you are in charge, but your not an absolute godless douche monster about your power. You're chill, but your also in control. Are you going to let the girl be in control?
Get Pissed If I'm rejected I GET PISSED! not at her, but at myself for giving a fuck, fuck her, go out there and WIN!
Club / Party game is... bullshit Girls are either mega bitchy / hanging with their annoying friends or they are DOWN TO FUCK. Thats why they got all dressed up Dont even worry about trying here, just tryo to have as much fun as possible and you will be a literal chick magnet.
Rejection isnt bad, its hilarious Think about it, its some of the funniest shit you will ever see, its comic gold. Would you rather stand there stupid with your dick in your hand, or would you rather look at what just happened as the funniest thing you've seen all day?
You do it, and think about it afterwards:
Thats the way it works.
Your a goddam bear (and fuck you, I like swingers):
This isnt really a inner game mindset, but its pretty true.
live a life where you are perfectly happy that you arent dating anyone. Happiness is not a destination, its just a means of travel. You need to be fulfilled and have balance in your life, be the rock. This is one of the most important things you can do to be good with women, just dont think about them XD
You will never have true confidence by telling yourself over and over and over that you are confident. You will never have confidence by reading a thousand books or going to a thousand workshops. The only way to get true confidence is by going out and doing it over and over. It doesn’t sound easy, does it? Maybe that’s the point.
OUTER GAME
I can't really go into too much detail over outer game, because thats a totally different post, but I can give you some tips to help with approaching. I would also like to state that most of the advice is for cold approaches, because social game and all that allows you to be comfortable very easily, and when your comfortable outer game is ridiculously easy.
1. Dont just jump out of set becuase shes disinterested, make her interested, get her to smile, its a challenge, and you're not going to take that shit lying down.
2. If your doing what you want to do, dont worry about weather she wants to follow you, she will. She wants to find out what your up to.
3. The actual content of the opener is very simple. I have two canned one, which are just a variation on 'hi' but I prefer situational humor for opening. a. Hey! I think you're interesting and I want to get to know you. b. I had to come tell you that you are fucking delicious!
4. PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE! This is the only way your going to get better. Even if you only talk to ONE GIRL every day, you will get so much better. I cannot stress enough how important this is. If I could only teach someone one thing, it would be to PRACTICE ALL THE DAMN TIME! Eventually you'll begin to see what you're doing right, rather then what you could have done, and you will see how far you've actually gone.
5. ALWAYS BE TOUCHING! but dont be a pedobear. You need to be comfortable with it, maybe starting by just touching your hand to her forearm while talking, or using the CLAW, but in the end, touching girls is FUN... that came out wrong.... so did that...fuck english.
6. At least half of your approaches should be rejected and/or fail horribly. If that doesnt happen, your not aggressive enough. Take risks you pussy.
7. MOMENTUM! Guess what, your going to fail! but if you make steps to getting out of your fucking head, every step is going to create a snowball effect of awesome till you are a complete PUA god. At least for that night Just be persistent and you will succeed.
8. Get out of your house. Only those of you who live in places where it is either physically impossible to go anywhere and/or you will die if you die at certain times of the year, like north pole, Alaska, have no excuses why you cant get out and meet people. You have no idea how much opportunity you have.
9. Slow down your breathing, slow down your speech, just slow yourself down in general, whats your rush? the girl is still going to be there no matter how fast you talk to her.
10. Get a wing and/or voice recorded to get some objective info on how you run your game. Also having a wing is helpful to keep you from totally pussying out.
19. Walk slowly, with your shoulders back, one foot in front of the other, and be direct, if you see something you want, TAKE IT
20. 3 second rule. You have three seconds to locate someone you want to talk to, and then go and talk to them. keeps you out of your head, and keeps you from being a creeper.
21. Do some warm-up sets. Get the fear out there and fuck up a few times before you get serious. It helps.
22. Always Escalate. Always.
23. Fuck Day 2′s. From the instant I approach the girl I am thinking about fucking her. And thats... pretty much it.
24. Get her talking and your home free.
25. I am totally anti-routine, but sometimes having a stack of common replies is helpful for recurring situations.
26. EYE CONTACT! I dont care what else you do, as long as you maintain eye contact, this is the best thing you can do.
27. Speak loudly and pronounce things. You are going to be heard.
28. Take up space.
29. Dont be a pretentious douchbag. Everybody will hate you. Except hipsters, but they dont really count, they're just as superficial and pretentious as you would be.
30. Don't give a flying fuck & Have fun!
The biggest issue guys think they have, is the follow up to approaching
WHAT AM I GOING TO TALK ABOUT? Well all you need to do is pay attention to your surroundings and start off the conversation, and then listen to what she has to talk about, and try to understand her at a deeper level. Dont be a collection of random bits, be a man whose willing to actually listen and find something out about her. That doesnt mean be a quiet little bitch, but actually engage in conversation.
^ the above statement doesnt apply to parties all that well
People are people, those nothing to be afraid of, if you actually get to know them, try to relate to them, you'll find that shit isnt as scary as you thought it was. Grow some balls, before it is too late
Heres what will happen which will almost completley cure your AA. you will realize that regret sucks much more then rejection. What if is so much worse then failing, because you can't learn if you dont try anything out. Life is not about getting girls, but they are fun, and you should take every opportunity you can to have a good time with them.
You guys didnt really need this whole article, you just needed to know:
DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT HAPPENS, JUST LIVE IN THE MOMENT AND HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS HUMANELY POSSIBLE!
Feel free to comment and share your feelings, and please if you have anything else you would like to add-on, feel free, I'm not perfect at this, and I am always looking for fresh perspectives.
*I need to stop obsessing over masturbation... yeah thats going to happen
Amb1valence Extremely Active Member member is offline
ass...and titties
Joined: Mar 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 510 Karma: 9
Re: Approach Anxiety: Who Gives a Fuck? « Reply #7 on Jul 17, 2011, 12:13am »
Wow. This is.....awesome, one of the best articles I've read on the site I think. Maybe just cuz it hit home for me - I was in the airport today, saw a few girls alone thinking I should go talk to them but I was like nahh I'm good.
But this snapped me back into shape. From now on I absolutely don't give a fuck. That 3-second rule is goooold, tomorrow next girl I see I'm doing the you're fucking delicious and expect to get blown out hard. Lesssgoo
+69
« Last Edit: Jul 17, 2011, 12:13am by Amb1valence »
Joined: Apr 2010 Gender: Male Posts: 2,135 Karma: 38
Re: Approach Anxiety: Who Gives a Fuck? « Reply #10 on Aug 3, 2011, 4:17pm »
I realized how small my scroll bar was and then just skimmed lol. I don't have time to read this right meow. I'm sure IRS good, it looks like it took a lot of thought and effort
“Whenever a theory appears to you as the only possible one, take this as a sign that you have neither understood the theory nor the problem which it was intended to solve”
Joined: Jun 2012 Gender: Male Posts: 227 Karma: -6
Re: Approach Anxiety: Who Gives a Fuck? « Reply #12 on Jun 17, 2012, 6:11pm »
Sloth referred me to this post... There are tears in my eyes, not lying this is inspiring...
Fishie: *looking down* "ready to give it another shot?" Fydo: *ERECTION* Fishie: "Thats my boy!"
(there's this Latino girl in my apartment building I been eyeing, always catches me off guard when I doing something. Wouldn't be too hard thinking with my dick considering how hot she is...)
Dude: So did you eat her out? Fishie: You bet I did, but that shit was some serious hairy pussy! Dude: Ahh-gross! any special style? Fishie: Yeah, I did that Chinese barbarian style!
Joined: Mar 2012 Gender: Male Posts: 25 Location: Los Angeles CA Karma: 0
Re: Approach Anxiety: Who Gives a Fuck? « Reply #14 on Jun 22, 2012, 2:33am »
Damn this is great. I was at a restaurant the other day with my family and saw this extremely cute girl at another table. When I got up to get more food (it was a buffet) I noticed that her seat was empty. Sure enough, she was walking away from the table towards the food. God she was like a 9. Just as I was about to approach I though, "Wait...nah this is weird. I can't really do this at a restaurant." So I got my food and sat back down. I felt bad for the rest of the night. I would have felt so much better getting rejected but at least knowing that I tried. I'll think of this article next time my dumb ass is about to pussie out. Very inspiring article. +1
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And to top off this cocktail of horniness I imagine that last night, this girl I'm looking at, is masturbating to me. Screaming my name, clawing the sheets, and then, the secret weapon shows itself. Just looking at her, imaging that, you cant but help to get that little smile, that sexy smirk, and with eye contact that smirk is the equivalent of a trojan horse for game, you bypass everything, bitch shields, friends, assorted PUA jargon, ect ect. ![[image]](http://f.cl.ly/items/0b352Z3n3a09250h0V2o/2011-04-29-Feeding-Fear.jpg "[image]")
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Sure enough, she was walking away from the table towards the food. God she was like a 9. Just as I was about to approach I though, "Wait...nah this is weird. I can't really do this at a restaurant." So I got my food and sat back down. I felt bad for the rest of the night. I would have felt so much better getting rejected but at least knowing that I tried. I'll think of this article next time my dumb ass is about to pussie out. Very inspiring article. +1