Fear of rejection and the paradox of attractivenes

[Adam]

Ok I was thinking. Today I had some hesitation to talk to some girls and I didn't. I beat myself up after this but it got me thinking. Why are we afraid of regjection?

I thought for awhile and I figured the reason we are afraid of rejection/failure is cause it makes us feel unattractive . People say if you believe you are attractive then you are be but what if you believe you are attractive and you get blown out by a girl or rejected. That totally contradicts your belief. Then you ask yourself why am I attractive. If you have been with only a few or no girls you have no proof. Therefore "you are not attractive" starts making sense and "I am attractive cause I said so starts sounding like a delusion.

That is the paradox of attraction I ran into when thinking about my fears. But for some reason "I am attractive cause other people said so" doesn't sound right to me. Can any of you elaborate on this and tell me where your sense of attractiveness should come from or why someone is attractive.

[Nick]

I have a very complex opinion about this but I can explain it.

Firstly, attraction is in the eyes of the beholder. Therefore, you can be attractive to one girl and not to another. Doesn't really matter though does it? It really only matters what you think. Wanna know why?

Because there is nothing you can do about it. You are born looking the way you look and there is very few things you can do. All of which are controversially good or bad because everyone has different opinions. Some girls like muscular guys. Some girls like skinny guys. Some girls like long hair. Some girls like short hair. There is a MILLION different opinions out there.

YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. ONLY YOURSELF.

The thing is: Every opinion out there is right. Everyone has an opinion on something and all of them are right in their own way. So that pretty much eliminates basing your looks on other people's opinions, right?

Back to not being able to change anything. Well, with what you can change, you can alter towards what "your type of girl" likes. If you want the athletic, preppy girls than you're probably also going to need to be fit, muscular, and wear good clothing.

Even better yet, though, is that "your type of girl" is also who YOU are. The type of girl you're after is most definitely going to match up with your views on attraction. So, it all comes back to what YOU think. If you're after preppy, athletic girls... than most likely you are preppy and athletic - If not, you should probably check yourself and figure out who you really are who you really want.

Summed up:

1. It doesn't matter. You're born this way. There's not much you can do.

2. What you can do or what you do is totally up to you. (If you wanna be muscular - work out)

3. Everyone's opinion is right, but you can't please everyone, so you might as well use your own opinion.

As long as you think you're attractive, it doesn't matter. You don't think you're attractive just because you "said so", you think you're attractive because you work out/eat right/wear nice clothes/have good hygiene/do your hair or whatever. Spend time exercising. Spend time on your looks. Spend time with women.

You're insecurities will be gone in a heart beat.

PS - Try getting a girlfriend - Suddenly, EVERY girl is into you. True story. Attraction isn't based on just looks. It's almost completely pre-selection (BUT what they don't tell you is that you're pre-selected based on looks and first impression).

Hope I helped

[canadiankid]

So apparently nick has his shit together. +1 man, nice response

[looknlisten]

Your sense of attraction comes from your core. You didn't approach because your self image got challenged, it happens to the best of us. Mate you don't attract what you want you attract what you are. That's why I say fuck this whole "I'm attractive" delusional shit (although it can and should work cos girls aren't that smart) your self image should be of a man of action, cos whether you get accepted or rejected you succeeded in taking action and that's all that matters, it doesn't matter if you don't finish the race as long as you did your best where you got up to. Getting rejected doesn't contradict who you are because you shouldn't identify yourself with your success. I don't think im attractive, I'm know I'm a man of action. I think for guys your sense of attractiveness comes from the success from the goals you've set. Focus on what you want and where you want to go and you will automatically become very attractive in life. People are attractive for many reasons though, their passion for life, their success, their looks ect. It all starts with you though.

[infamous93]

Uhhh I am going to have to disagree with both statements above, although I do agree with alot of what you guys said.

This very problem has baffled psychologists for years what makes men attractive? What makes women attractive?

What they have found is that men are more drawn to women who look youthful (smooth skin, no wrinkles etc) I am sure you have heard it all before.

They have found that women find men that are bold, dominate, outgoing and a leader is attractive for women.

Also they have found that similarity breeds foundness....
If you share commen intrests, sit in the same class, like the same music etc.

And the biggest tip (my fav)

"Attractive people are socially rewarding"

So I disagree with Nick, you can change how attractive you are.

Stay positive, give positive vibes and positives stuff will happen to you.

I don't really think I explained that to the best of my ability PM me if you want more, cause I gotta get back to my Physics homework

[fivelocos]

Honestly good stuff from all of you and the way infamous came with that slice of info kinda puts it all together man cheers.

[canadiankid]

Nice answers all y'all. Good to see some differing perspectives, especially respectfully rebuttlalled.

[Adam]

Yeah I'm seeing the next gen of specialists.

[fullbang]

adam thanks for posting this topic, i got the same questions recently and this helped me a bit. Although im starting to see patern in my mind, for example: As the school started i again saw my ex-onetis, so i began thinking what should i have done and which attractive traits should i poses in order to ge her, i started thinking again when i was reading this post, and it made me somewhat confused and sad. However, when i read nicks and then infamous posts i rationalized that problem and didnt felt bad afterwards.

It might sound like a bullshit, but its interesting how i struggle with this problems, because in the end it doesnt even matter if you are phyiscal attractive or not

[looknlisten]

Ya in the end it doesn't matter, in the beginning it matters

[Contempt]

This is actually something that hits on some of my core beliefs.

Think about this: so much that we do is based around trying to develop a perfect mental image of ourselves.

• Maybe you come back from soccer practice one day and FEEL great cause you did good. Why do you feel great about it? because your adding more to your "mental image" of yourself.
  
• Say you join a new sport or extra curricular activity, for a few days afterwards your really upbeat about life. Know why? because you just added more to your life, instead of doing nothing at home, your spending that time doing something that you can mentally add to your little self image that will never be perfect.
  
• You get new clothes, you have amazing confidence for a week or so, but then it fades. again, know why? You thought you had changed your life somehow, you thought you changed you by getting new clothes and looking "fresher then a mother fucka." but you didn't, and your mind slowly realizes that.
  

Your still the same pathetic wasted life you were before you got those clothes.

Our entire society is obsessed with trying to see themselves the way then want to be, trying to have the perfect mental self image. Fuck that, stop trying to build a mental image of yourself, all your doing is let the things that truly matter in life slip through your hands. Forget what you think you know about yourself, stop trying build a perfect mental self. Start trying to forget who and what you think you are and start living your life. This should be an article.

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis."
-Tyler Durden

-This message was sponsored by Contempt. Go fuck yourselves.

P.S. there's a high probability that i'm completely fucking crazy, so don't take this too seriously.

[infamous93]

^hahahaha nice

But yeah as I was saying be socially rewarding, have a large social circle be a leader, be fun to be around, be dominate, make people feel good.

Also another point: most women will already find you attractive so long as you don't give them a reason not to its kind of the same as when we see a girl who isn't the hottest girl we have seen but still you would bang her if given the chance.

[looknlisten]

Na man, most women finding you attractive as long as you dont give them a reason not to is a shit statement sorry the reason we would bang majority things with two legs is because we are guys, chicks wouldn't wanna bang everything. Also the one thing with this post is the name of it "paradox of attractiveness" .. Bullshit there is no paradox of attractiveness just mental masturbation. Attraction is the same in the M.M method David Deangelo's method RSD what not its all the same thing cos its simple guys attract girls and girls attract guysNa man, most women finding you attractive as long as you dont give them a reason not to is a shit statement sorry the reason we would bang majority things with two legs is because we are guys, chicks wouldn't wanna bang everything. Also the one thing with this post is the name of it "paradox of attractiveness" .. Bullshit there is no paradox of attractiveness just mental masturbation. Attraction is the same in the M.M method David Deangelo's method RSD what not its all the same thing cos its simple guys attract girls and girls attract guys

[infamous93]

Sept 10, 2011 15:54:32 GMT -5 @looknlisten said:

Na man, most women finding you attractive as long as you dont give them a reason not to is a shit statement sorry the reason we would bang majority things with two legs is because we are guys, chicks wouldn't wanna bang everything. guys

Sorry dude but you are very wrong, either that or you misunderstood what I said (mabey I worded it wrong)

Here you go:
Girls will be intrested in you as long as you don't give them a reason not to

[looknlisten]

Agreed