Post by Grape on Feb 10, 2009 17:20:19 GMT -5
Written by Squirrels
===================================
Disclaimer
The following is a mind-dump. It's a result of a lot of actual experience and a lot of compiled thoughts I've had dancing around in my head about why things didn't work out with "this woman" or "that woman". It's obvious this is geared to someone who's looking for more than just a "f*ck"...you really DON'T have to worry about this kind of thing if sex is all you're after. I'm not chumping out, but once you reach a certain age, you wouldn't mind finding a girl you can chill with for the long term. This game isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Boy meets Test
So you met a girl. Things went well right from the start. You were smooth, introduced yourself immediately, showed you weren't afraid to bust her balls a little, turned up the charm and the kino, and she's calling you right back all the time, texting you throughout the day, you've had sex once or twice. Everything's going great. In fact, she seems to want to spend time with you all the time! She's inviting YOU out now, instead of you always having to beg for HER time. Maybe she's even "confessed" that she "really likes you", or she's brought up exclusivity or the possibility of a relationship. Hell, she's everything you wanted, so you're more than happy to go along with it.
But then something happens. Suddenly the calls stop coming as frequently. She's "busy" a lot more often, going out with "the girls" or not available to see you. When she IS around, she seems strangely distant, like she still likes being around you, but she acts as if there's somewhere else she thinks she should be. She's not warm to you physically any more. She starts getting calls when you're out together. You notice a few more male "friends" on her MySpace account. Eventually the frustration gets the best of you and you ask her what's up? "Nothing", she says. Then you don't hear from her again...unless you take the AFC route and badger her until she gives you the "LJBF" speech.
How could things have gone so wrong? You HAD her. She was all about you! Did she find someone THAT much better? Did you do something wrong? What the hell happened that led her to such a 180??
To quote George W Bush, "You just fell for the trap!"
The Test Even the Best Don't See Coming
Early in your encounter with a woman, she'll throw you a lot of sh!t tests to see if you're truly worthy of "having her" or just a pretender running game. She'll bust on your confidence to see if it's authentic. She'll ask clever questions to try to trip you up or see if your answers give her secret insights. She'll get mad or start crying sometimes, just to see how you react. Websites like this one do an excellent job on teaching you how to maintain the frame, stay confident, and deal with these tests one at a time, until, finally, she appears to have let you in. Checkmate, you think! You've finally broken through the "tests" and the "b!tch shields" and earned her final approval.
What you've REALLY just done is fallen into the most clever reverse-psychology gambit women have in their arsenal. You've been blinded by the prospect of victory, so you don't realize you've been suddenly swept into the REAL challenge.
And the worst thing is...there's no FAKING your way out of this one. It's a woman's only sure-fire way to really test your mettle, to see what, deep inside, you REALLY believe about yourself.
The PASSIVE Tests
Women's initial sh!t-tests are PASSIVE tests. They can filter you out based on a lack of confidence or a reluctance to approach. They can filter you based on how well you pick up on their little key words or ideas. On how readily you initiate "kino", how comfortable you are physically. How good you look, how good you are in bed, etc... And how you react to her throwing curveballs at you. Whether you are GENUINE or not.
This is what a woman is trying to determine. She LIKES what she sees...that much is apparent by the way she responds to you. But in a world of players and liars and cheats and a-holes, she wants to know...is what she sees really YOU, or is it a clever mirage? Are you playing her? Are you making yourself out to be MORE than you really believe that you are?
Fortunately for the budding "Don Juan", these passive tests are relatively easy to disarm. But for the woman, administering these tests takes very little investment on her part. She can be administering the same set of passive tests to 20 different boys at once to see which are really MEN.
If you pass these passive tests, you have every right to be proud of yourself. But all these passive tests are for a woman are screening procedures to see if you're worthy for the REAL test, the one that requires her to invest some serious effort into...
The ACTIVE Test
The ACTIVE test lays everything bare. And it comes at precisely the point you think you've "won the battle" and can get a chance to rest your "game".
Now only the "real men" make it to the active test, and the reason for that is that it requires the woman to do something that takes an enormous investment of time and emotion from her.
The ACTIVE test is very simple. She GIVES you what you want. She gives you her affection. Either subtly or directly, she says, "You win. I'm yours."
Then she watches what you do next.
What you gonna do...with this p*ssy?
Kandi's line from the E-40 song..."What you gonna do, with this p*ssy?"...sums up the active test perfectly.
"You want me? You think you're good enough to handle me? You've got me. Now what're you gonna do??"
Most of the artificial "game" preached in communities like this one focuses on how to GET the girl. The entire series of passive tests and how to disarm them is focused on GETTING the girl. But the one test she has that you CANNOT plan for or defy is giving you what you're after...then seeing what you DO with it once you HAVE it.
In essence, you've been given your title-shot. You've shown enough in training sessions and lesser fights that she's finally decided it's worth it to stick your ass in the octagon with some REAL fighters. You can't front any more...it's time to put your money where your mouth is.
What a woman is looking for in the active test
A woman is looking for one thing in the active test...CONGRUENCE. To administer the active test, she waits until the moment you realize that you HAVE her, that she's YOURS. Once that moment registers with you, she looks for ANY deviation in behavior.
For the unready man, a sudden mental switch occurs when he realizes he HAS the girl he wants. Before he had NOTHING, so he had nothing to lose. It allowed him to play games and change the way he interacts with the world to impress the ladies and work past the "passive tests".
When he realizes that he HAS the woman, he suddenly has something to LOSE. As a result, his strategy changes from "search and destroy" to "hold the line at all costs". The woman suddenly becomes much more precious. As a result, the false confidence he could display when he truly didn't have anything to lose evaporates. Behaviors manifest that bely his true unconfident nature, such as:
-Being too eager...to return calls, to set dates, etc
-Getting into set patterns and worrying when those patterns deviate
-Acting possessive or suspicious
-Trying too hard to please...supplicating, buying gifts, being "overly romantic"
Do you recognize these behaviors? They're the hallmarks of "AFC" behavior. And the unready man doesn't even REALIZE that he's giving off these signs. Why not? Because he says to himself, "I CAN'T be a chump any more! I already HAVE the girl!"
This is why the ACTIVE test is so diabolical. With the man believing he has already won, he feels he no longer has to "play" the game...yet he's faced with the new challenge of what to DO with what's been given to him. Without the "game" to back him up, he's left scrambling to hang on to something that he's surprised he got in the first place, and is now DESPERATE not to lose.
Game Over
Once a woman sees this deviation in behavior, her TRUST in who you are is compromised. This is often the END of your relationship with her...you just don't know it until the ******d signs start manifesting. She can no longer trust that you truly ARE the confident, suave character who successfully negotiated his way through her passive traps and into her heart. You've been exposed as a fraud, one who doesn't have a CLUE what to do with a woman once he has one.
And honestly...how SHOULD you? Especially if this is your first time reaching that point with a woman? Even the best game-runners have no CLUE this is coming and fall to this gambit. The ONLY men who survive it are "naturals".
Why do "Naturals" pass the active test?
Naturals pass the active test because they're NOT running a game. They are who they are. They pass the active test the same way they get through the passive tests...by BEING THEMSELVES.
Now this isn't the "be yourself" that involves telling yourself "I love you, me" every morning 10 times in the mirror. This is the "be yourself" where you are NATURALLY confident and powerful.
This kind of NATURAL confidence persists whether you're trying to GET the girl, whether you HAVE her, or whether you NEVER get her. It is being who you believe in your heart that you OUGHT to be.
How can your behavior change once you get the girl, if you ARE who you ARE? If you are TRULY confident that you DESERVE to have a good woman, then when you HAVE a good woman, you will know what to do with her. You won't switch strategies from "win" to "don't lose" because you believe that you CAN'T lose...that she really DOES like you.
And what if you DO lose her? Does that make you less of a man? HELL no. If you ARE who you truly feel you OUGHT to be, if you ARE yourself, your "best" self (as some say), then she's doing you a FAVOR by disqualifying HERSELF. You wouldn't be happy with her anyway.
How to gain Natural Confidence and pass the Active Test
There is only one way to pass the active test. You have to be naturally confident. No quick-and-easy technique can be taught, because the active test NEVER ends. It is CONSTANTLY re-administered each time you and the woman reach a new level in your relationship. As long as you "have her", the active test is underway.
The essence of natural confidence is this:
-> Know that you deserve what you have in life. The universe does not grant things, relationships, or situations to people who are not destined to receive them. God didn't make a mistake letting you have this angel. If you got through the passive tests, even if you were fighting yourself the whole way to "fake" natural confidence, it proves that you ARE capable of REALLY being that confident self that you OUGHT to be.
-> "Act without claiming". As is put forth in the Tao Te Ching, possessing things only leads to fear that they can be lost. Don't try to OWN a woman. Simply let her into your life and let her grow with you. If you TRULY do this, and she leaves your life anyway, it's because SHE didn't belong with YOU. There are MANY women out there who will disqualify themselves because THEY do not feel like they deserve or belong with YOU. Do NOT chase them. If you are truly being yourself and she does not enjoy it, chances are you wouldn't get along anyway. Enjoy what you had together...and let it go.
-> Do what you do. "Act like you've been there before". Don't get wrapped up with the idea of, "OMFG I might actually have a GIRLFRIEND!!". The label makes a whole lot out of something that's not really a big deal. If she's fallen for you, don't suddenly change your mind and feel like you need to do something else to maintain your progress. Keep doing what works and let that evolve into something more complex or multifaceted on its own. Many great and unique symphonies follow the same time.
-> Don't worry about "screwing up". If you honestly make a mistake, she'll forgive you for it if she's into you. If she doesn't...well, she's a b!tch. It's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and it's always better to do what you believe you OUGHT to do and find out later than you were wrong than waste countless moments trying to "get it right". Take chances once in a while. Remember, if you are confident in yourself, losing a woman is the LEAST of your worries.
-> Have FUN! If you're not having fun, other people (especially women) are not going to want to "not have fun" with you. Life is a joke...and you're part of it. So learn to laugh at yourself as you excel.
What I'm getting at...
This isn't anything new. It's something I've been trying to explain for a while.
I took a stab at it in this thread, the "Be yourself" thread:
www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=106526
Then danced around it again in this one:
www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=131877
You're NOT afraid of REJECTION. You're afraid of ACCEPTANCE. The ongoing ACTIVE test that truly tests your mettle as a man in a social/sexual culture.
It took me a while to figure it out...it's happened to me a few times and I'm willing to bet it's happened to you too. But the picture's becoming clearer.
What do tips and tricks do for you?
They give you an idea what it's like to "act the part". From this, you start to feel CONGRUENCE with your inner-self, the "yourself" that you know you OUGHT to be. As the classic Zen proverb says, they are "like a finger pointing at the moon". Be careful not to mistake the finger for the moon. Instead use the finger to instruct yourself how to experience the moon directly.
They're not useless techniques, but just like learning a proper punch does not make you a ninja master, tips and tricks will always fall short once you make it to the REAL "battle". You must gain an understanding through APPLYING these tips, and find out what they POINT to, inside yourself.
The REAL creative answers, the ones that are YOUR native confidence and power, must come from within. You can teach a parrot the alphabet, but does that qualify it to write a great novel?
Think about it...
I'm going to stop before I start babbling.
===========================
Written by Squirrels
===================================
Disclaimer
The following is a mind-dump. It's a result of a lot of actual experience and a lot of compiled thoughts I've had dancing around in my head about why things didn't work out with "this woman" or "that woman". It's obvious this is geared to someone who's looking for more than just a "f*ck"...you really DON'T have to worry about this kind of thing if sex is all you're after. I'm not chumping out, but once you reach a certain age, you wouldn't mind finding a girl you can chill with for the long term. This game isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Boy meets Test
So you met a girl. Things went well right from the start. You were smooth, introduced yourself immediately, showed you weren't afraid to bust her balls a little, turned up the charm and the kino, and she's calling you right back all the time, texting you throughout the day, you've had sex once or twice. Everything's going great. In fact, she seems to want to spend time with you all the time! She's inviting YOU out now, instead of you always having to beg for HER time. Maybe she's even "confessed" that she "really likes you", or she's brought up exclusivity or the possibility of a relationship. Hell, she's everything you wanted, so you're more than happy to go along with it.
But then something happens. Suddenly the calls stop coming as frequently. She's "busy" a lot more often, going out with "the girls" or not available to see you. When she IS around, she seems strangely distant, like she still likes being around you, but she acts as if there's somewhere else she thinks she should be. She's not warm to you physically any more. She starts getting calls when you're out together. You notice a few more male "friends" on her MySpace account. Eventually the frustration gets the best of you and you ask her what's up? "Nothing", she says. Then you don't hear from her again...unless you take the AFC route and badger her until she gives you the "LJBF" speech.
How could things have gone so wrong? You HAD her. She was all about you! Did she find someone THAT much better? Did you do something wrong? What the hell happened that led her to such a 180??
To quote George W Bush, "You just fell for the trap!"
The Test Even the Best Don't See Coming
Early in your encounter with a woman, she'll throw you a lot of sh!t tests to see if you're truly worthy of "having her" or just a pretender running game. She'll bust on your confidence to see if it's authentic. She'll ask clever questions to try to trip you up or see if your answers give her secret insights. She'll get mad or start crying sometimes, just to see how you react. Websites like this one do an excellent job on teaching you how to maintain the frame, stay confident, and deal with these tests one at a time, until, finally, she appears to have let you in. Checkmate, you think! You've finally broken through the "tests" and the "b!tch shields" and earned her final approval.
What you've REALLY just done is fallen into the most clever reverse-psychology gambit women have in their arsenal. You've been blinded by the prospect of victory, so you don't realize you've been suddenly swept into the REAL challenge.
And the worst thing is...there's no FAKING your way out of this one. It's a woman's only sure-fire way to really test your mettle, to see what, deep inside, you REALLY believe about yourself.
The PASSIVE Tests
Women's initial sh!t-tests are PASSIVE tests. They can filter you out based on a lack of confidence or a reluctance to approach. They can filter you based on how well you pick up on their little key words or ideas. On how readily you initiate "kino", how comfortable you are physically. How good you look, how good you are in bed, etc... And how you react to her throwing curveballs at you. Whether you are GENUINE or not.
This is what a woman is trying to determine. She LIKES what she sees...that much is apparent by the way she responds to you. But in a world of players and liars and cheats and a-holes, she wants to know...is what she sees really YOU, or is it a clever mirage? Are you playing her? Are you making yourself out to be MORE than you really believe that you are?
Fortunately for the budding "Don Juan", these passive tests are relatively easy to disarm. But for the woman, administering these tests takes very little investment on her part. She can be administering the same set of passive tests to 20 different boys at once to see which are really MEN.
If you pass these passive tests, you have every right to be proud of yourself. But all these passive tests are for a woman are screening procedures to see if you're worthy for the REAL test, the one that requires her to invest some serious effort into...
The ACTIVE Test
The ACTIVE test lays everything bare. And it comes at precisely the point you think you've "won the battle" and can get a chance to rest your "game".
Now only the "real men" make it to the active test, and the reason for that is that it requires the woman to do something that takes an enormous investment of time and emotion from her.
The ACTIVE test is very simple. She GIVES you what you want. She gives you her affection. Either subtly or directly, she says, "You win. I'm yours."
Then she watches what you do next.
What you gonna do...with this p*ssy?
Kandi's line from the E-40 song..."What you gonna do, with this p*ssy?"...sums up the active test perfectly.
"You want me? You think you're good enough to handle me? You've got me. Now what're you gonna do??"
Most of the artificial "game" preached in communities like this one focuses on how to GET the girl. The entire series of passive tests and how to disarm them is focused on GETTING the girl. But the one test she has that you CANNOT plan for or defy is giving you what you're after...then seeing what you DO with it once you HAVE it.
In essence, you've been given your title-shot. You've shown enough in training sessions and lesser fights that she's finally decided it's worth it to stick your ass in the octagon with some REAL fighters. You can't front any more...it's time to put your money where your mouth is.
What a woman is looking for in the active test
A woman is looking for one thing in the active test...CONGRUENCE. To administer the active test, she waits until the moment you realize that you HAVE her, that she's YOURS. Once that moment registers with you, she looks for ANY deviation in behavior.
For the unready man, a sudden mental switch occurs when he realizes he HAS the girl he wants. Before he had NOTHING, so he had nothing to lose. It allowed him to play games and change the way he interacts with the world to impress the ladies and work past the "passive tests".
When he realizes that he HAS the woman, he suddenly has something to LOSE. As a result, his strategy changes from "search and destroy" to "hold the line at all costs". The woman suddenly becomes much more precious. As a result, the false confidence he could display when he truly didn't have anything to lose evaporates. Behaviors manifest that bely his true unconfident nature, such as:
-Being too eager...to return calls, to set dates, etc
-Getting into set patterns and worrying when those patterns deviate
-Acting possessive or suspicious
-Trying too hard to please...supplicating, buying gifts, being "overly romantic"
Do you recognize these behaviors? They're the hallmarks of "AFC" behavior. And the unready man doesn't even REALIZE that he's giving off these signs. Why not? Because he says to himself, "I CAN'T be a chump any more! I already HAVE the girl!"
This is why the ACTIVE test is so diabolical. With the man believing he has already won, he feels he no longer has to "play" the game...yet he's faced with the new challenge of what to DO with what's been given to him. Without the "game" to back him up, he's left scrambling to hang on to something that he's surprised he got in the first place, and is now DESPERATE not to lose.
Game Over
Once a woman sees this deviation in behavior, her TRUST in who you are is compromised. This is often the END of your relationship with her...you just don't know it until the ******d signs start manifesting. She can no longer trust that you truly ARE the confident, suave character who successfully negotiated his way through her passive traps and into her heart. You've been exposed as a fraud, one who doesn't have a CLUE what to do with a woman once he has one.
And honestly...how SHOULD you? Especially if this is your first time reaching that point with a woman? Even the best game-runners have no CLUE this is coming and fall to this gambit. The ONLY men who survive it are "naturals".
Why do "Naturals" pass the active test?
Naturals pass the active test because they're NOT running a game. They are who they are. They pass the active test the same way they get through the passive tests...by BEING THEMSELVES.
Now this isn't the "be yourself" that involves telling yourself "I love you, me" every morning 10 times in the mirror. This is the "be yourself" where you are NATURALLY confident and powerful.
This kind of NATURAL confidence persists whether you're trying to GET the girl, whether you HAVE her, or whether you NEVER get her. It is being who you believe in your heart that you OUGHT to be.
How can your behavior change once you get the girl, if you ARE who you ARE? If you are TRULY confident that you DESERVE to have a good woman, then when you HAVE a good woman, you will know what to do with her. You won't switch strategies from "win" to "don't lose" because you believe that you CAN'T lose...that she really DOES like you.
And what if you DO lose her? Does that make you less of a man? HELL no. If you ARE who you truly feel you OUGHT to be, if you ARE yourself, your "best" self (as some say), then she's doing you a FAVOR by disqualifying HERSELF. You wouldn't be happy with her anyway.
How to gain Natural Confidence and pass the Active Test
There is only one way to pass the active test. You have to be naturally confident. No quick-and-easy technique can be taught, because the active test NEVER ends. It is CONSTANTLY re-administered each time you and the woman reach a new level in your relationship. As long as you "have her", the active test is underway.
The essence of natural confidence is this:
-> Know that you deserve what you have in life. The universe does not grant things, relationships, or situations to people who are not destined to receive them. God didn't make a mistake letting you have this angel. If you got through the passive tests, even if you were fighting yourself the whole way to "fake" natural confidence, it proves that you ARE capable of REALLY being that confident self that you OUGHT to be.
-> "Act without claiming". As is put forth in the Tao Te Ching, possessing things only leads to fear that they can be lost. Don't try to OWN a woman. Simply let her into your life and let her grow with you. If you TRULY do this, and she leaves your life anyway, it's because SHE didn't belong with YOU. There are MANY women out there who will disqualify themselves because THEY do not feel like they deserve or belong with YOU. Do NOT chase them. If you are truly being yourself and she does not enjoy it, chances are you wouldn't get along anyway. Enjoy what you had together...and let it go.
-> Do what you do. "Act like you've been there before". Don't get wrapped up with the idea of, "OMFG I might actually have a GIRLFRIEND!!". The label makes a whole lot out of something that's not really a big deal. If she's fallen for you, don't suddenly change your mind and feel like you need to do something else to maintain your progress. Keep doing what works and let that evolve into something more complex or multifaceted on its own. Many great and unique symphonies follow the same time.
-> Don't worry about "screwing up". If you honestly make a mistake, she'll forgive you for it if she's into you. If she doesn't...well, she's a b!tch. It's always easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and it's always better to do what you believe you OUGHT to do and find out later than you were wrong than waste countless moments trying to "get it right". Take chances once in a while. Remember, if you are confident in yourself, losing a woman is the LEAST of your worries.
-> Have FUN! If you're not having fun, other people (especially women) are not going to want to "not have fun" with you. Life is a joke...and you're part of it. So learn to laugh at yourself as you excel.
What I'm getting at...
This isn't anything new. It's something I've been trying to explain for a while.
I took a stab at it in this thread, the "Be yourself" thread:
www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=106526
Then danced around it again in this one:
www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=131877
You're NOT afraid of REJECTION. You're afraid of ACCEPTANCE. The ongoing ACTIVE test that truly tests your mettle as a man in a social/sexual culture.
It took me a while to figure it out...it's happened to me a few times and I'm willing to bet it's happened to you too. But the picture's becoming clearer.
What do tips and tricks do for you?
They give you an idea what it's like to "act the part". From this, you start to feel CONGRUENCE with your inner-self, the "yourself" that you know you OUGHT to be. As the classic Zen proverb says, they are "like a finger pointing at the moon". Be careful not to mistake the finger for the moon. Instead use the finger to instruct yourself how to experience the moon directly.
They're not useless techniques, but just like learning a proper punch does not make you a ninja master, tips and tricks will always fall short once you make it to the REAL "battle". You must gain an understanding through APPLYING these tips, and find out what they POINT to, inside yourself.
The REAL creative answers, the ones that are YOUR native confidence and power, must come from within. You can teach a parrot the alphabet, but does that qualify it to write a great novel?
Think about it...
I'm going to stop before I start babbling.
===========================
Written by Squirrels
