Post by Grape on Jun 25, 2009 5:01:52 GMT -5
Rodeo
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says "no, what is it?" "Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands and say, 'Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters'". Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
Sperm Bank Robbery
A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She forced off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
Sex Party
A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat sits down at a bar and orders a drink. “Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks. “Yeah,” the man replies, “I’m supposed to go dressed as my love life.” “But you look like Abe Lincoln.” “That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
Everyone has a Price
A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”
She quickly replies, “Yes.”
So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”
Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”
He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on a price.”
Henry Ford Goes To Heaven
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile) changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God replies, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Potential vs Reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show you the difference. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.
"Indian Ride
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
Double Dose
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.
"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained.
"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Santa's Lap
A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said "George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." Nope! replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. "You want C-A-N-D-Y." Nope! replied George. "Then just what the hell do you want," asks Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!!
Santa Baby
One time Santa Claus was out delivering presents on Christmas morning, when he came to the house of a beautiful young woman. He slid down the chimney, and there she was waiting for him in her best bathrobe. "Merry Christmas, my dear," he said, "have you been a good girl all year?" "I certainly have!" she replied. So he put all her presents under the tree and said "Well, see you next year!" "But Santa," she said, "won't you stay with me for a little while?" "That's very sweet of you dear," said Santa Claus, "but I've got a lot of present's to deliver and I really have to be going." "But Santa," she said, "I've been waiting for you all year..." "Oh no, no, no," said Santa Clause, "there's lot's to be done by morning, and what would Mrs. Claus say?" "But Santa," she said slipping out of her robe, "just this once?" "Oh all right," he said, "I'll never make it back up the chimney now anyway."
Washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
The Little Bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Halloween Costume
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Little Johnny gets sent home early
Little Johnny got sent home one day from school for being bad. Upon getting home he called out for his folks but got no reply.
He heard banging and moaning coming from upstairs and went up and opened his parent's bedroom door. Johnny was shocked to see his dad giving it to his mom - her knees were by her ears, she was taking it like a porn starlet - screaming all manner of things.
The folks noticed Johnny and froze. He let out a gasp and ran off. Stunned, his parents realized that this could be traumatic on their son and decided the dad should explain sex is something parents do when in love.
The dad looked all over the house and couldn't find Johnny anywhere - then he heard banging and moaning coming from Grandma's room. He opened the door only to find little Johnny railing Grandma – just banging her senseless, pumping away with her legs in the air. The dad yelled, "What the fuck are you doing?!" to which Johnny replied "It's not so much fun when it's your mom, is it?"
Enthusiasm
One night, looking to have a good time, a man decides to go to the Foxy Lady. While he is sitting enjoying the show, a man seated right behind him screams loudly, "Take it off!"
The man in front turns around and says, "Can you please quiet down, I'm trying to enjoy the show."
The man in the back says, "I'm sorry, it's just my enthusiasm."
The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, "Take it off!!!" The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, "Take it off!!!"
The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back.
Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back.
The guy in front turns around and says, "Where's your enthusiasm now, pal?"
The guy in back just smiles and says, "All over your back, pal."
Plane Crash
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "Fuck the Boy Scouts!" The priest says, "Do we have time?"
Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
The Queen of England
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?!" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
A Curious Boy
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle."
Father's Wisdom
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Hippie Love
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Orange Penis
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange." The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange. The old man said "No." The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.The old man said "No, I'm retired." The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage. The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos..."
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says "no, what is it?" "Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands and say, 'Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters'". Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
Sperm Bank Robbery
A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She forced off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says
Sex Party
A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat sits down at a bar and orders a drink. “Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks. “Yeah,” the man replies, “I’m supposed to go dressed as my love life.” “But you look like Abe Lincoln.” “That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
Everyone has a Price
A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”
She quickly replies, “Yes.”
So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”
Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”
He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on a price.”
Henry Ford Goes To Heaven
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile) changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God replies, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Potential vs Reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show you the difference. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.
"Indian Ride
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
Double Dose
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.
"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained.
"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Santa's Lap
A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said "George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." Nope! replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. "You want C-A-N-D-Y." Nope! replied George. "Then just what the hell do you want," asks Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!!
Santa Baby
One time Santa Claus was out delivering presents on Christmas morning, when he came to the house of a beautiful young woman. He slid down the chimney, and there she was waiting for him in her best bathrobe. "Merry Christmas, my dear," he said, "have you been a good girl all year?" "I certainly have!" she replied. So he put all her presents under the tree and said "Well, see you next year!" "But Santa," she said, "won't you stay with me for a little while?" "That's very sweet of you dear," said Santa Claus, "but I've got a lot of present's to deliver and I really have to be going." "But Santa," she said, "I've been waiting for you all year..." "Oh no, no, no," said Santa Clause, "there's lot's to be done by morning, and what would Mrs. Claus say?" "But Santa," she said slipping out of her robe, "just this once?" "Oh all right," he said, "I'll never make it back up the chimney now anyway."
Washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
The Little Bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Halloween Costume
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Little Johnny gets sent home early
Little Johnny got sent home one day from school for being bad. Upon getting home he called out for his folks but got no reply.
He heard banging and moaning coming from upstairs and went up and opened his parent's bedroom door. Johnny was shocked to see his dad giving it to his mom - her knees were by her ears, she was taking it like a porn starlet - screaming all manner of things.
The folks noticed Johnny and froze. He let out a gasp and ran off. Stunned, his parents realized that this could be traumatic on their son and decided the dad should explain sex is something parents do when in love.
The dad looked all over the house and couldn't find Johnny anywhere - then he heard banging and moaning coming from Grandma's room. He opened the door only to find little Johnny railing Grandma – just banging her senseless, pumping away with her legs in the air. The dad yelled, "What the fuck are you doing?!" to which Johnny replied "It's not so much fun when it's your mom, is it?"
Enthusiasm
One night, looking to have a good time, a man decides to go to the Foxy Lady. While he is sitting enjoying the show, a man seated right behind him screams loudly, "Take it off!"
The man in front turns around and says, "Can you please quiet down, I'm trying to enjoy the show."
The man in the back says, "I'm sorry, it's just my enthusiasm."
The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, "Take it off!!!" The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, "Take it off!!!"
The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back.
Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back.
The guy in front turns around and says, "Where's your enthusiasm now, pal?"
The guy in back just smiles and says, "All over your back, pal."
Plane Crash
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "Fuck the Boy Scouts!" The priest says, "Do we have time?"
Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
The Queen of England
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?!" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
A Curious Boy
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle."
Father's Wisdom
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Hippie Love
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Orange Penis
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange." The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange. The old man said "No." The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.The old man said "No, I'm retired." The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage. The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos..."
