Post by Dream on Oct 1, 2008 9:24:22 GMT -5
I can't sleep. The girl I love (I know it is one-itis, but I'll call it love) has a romantic relationship with my good (perhaps not so good) friend. It is the girl I was talking about in my "LJBF...is it really that serious?" post and I think I have mentioned my situation somewhere. I want to be with her, and I am mad at myself because I've pretty much pulled them together (I didn't know I had one-itis then - I won't call it love after all). I was overconfident and have underestimated my "friend." And I've been taught a lesson. However, that is not the point in this post. If someone wants to know more btw, to help me out or something, I will gladly answer it. However, that is not the point of this post.
If there is one thing I am really good at it is making connection. Rapport. Comfort phase. Whatever you call it. And tonight I am explaining it all to you, in hope that you will find it useful.
First of all, what will I call rapport? It is the feeling of connection, like you've known this person for years, like you are best friends for X years long.
Now: I see rapport as a pendulum. Sometimes it is crucial to keep the relationship going, sometimes not. Rapport is (in HS) much easier done if you appear non-sexual. It may screw up your chances but in crucial moments you can use this to your advantage. The problem is that once the momentum stops, it will start swinging back - and that means that if you suddenly stop contacting the person, if you aren't so open anymore you are breaking rapport; and while breaking the rapport during the "swinging up" can result in amplified attraction (if played correctly) breaking it while the pendulum is on it's way down destroys it totally.
Relationship to others; I love people. I think that everyone is equal. And people pick up on it and thus realize that they can be comfortable around me. I am pacifistic (I would never hurt anyone, nor their feelings) so they know that they are safe around me. I won't attack them - unprovoked. I am confident in my social circle so I won't stalk no one - social proof does wonders with expanding the social circle. If everyone likes me, she will too.
Actually you can use this to your advantage - few negs (rapport breaking) (soft ones) can spark interest. However make sure that she knows you're joking (unless she isn't attracted at all -pretty hard, at least for me- then you want her even to dislike you a bit, because it makes her emotionally vulnerable which you can later turn around -by building rapport). Remember, negs (or pebbles) AMPLIFY attraction. However to really CREATE it you need to show your high value (if it isn't shown already). So first make some, then amplify, and exploit (you know what I mean ).
So let's say you have isolated someone. So how do you build true rapport? Easily. Get her to talk and listen.
How to get her to talk? Again, comment on something she is thinking about or has some emotional relationship to. As soon as she says anything, you are officially in a conversation.
Pretty soon you want to make statements about yourself (I do it all the time). Do it about something small so it goes unnoticed (4xmpl if you're playing pool and you do a foul (and you WILL do a foul) say sth like "I always hate it when the cue ball does that!!!) - and full of emotions. This gives the illusion that she knows what you're thinking; that she knows you forever.
Continue the conversation, bouncing from topic to topic naturally. If you stop, again comment on something (here in coffee shops are usually newspapers and magazines so use them to find a topic) - or think about something interested that has happened to you lately; it doesn't have to be significant, only something interesting.
When she starts qualifying herself, investing into the conversation (try to drop the conversational ratio and see if she fills in to the 100%) you have the connection truly built.
Now, you *can* use the mirroring, but the goal is to be doing it naturally. It can help, but usually it distracts me too much so I can't keep my focus on the conversation (again a good thing to do, it shows the other person that you care about his opinion). Usually the NLP things are far too much to think about.
Listen, listen, listen. Really listen. Her opinion DOES matter (although not so much) enough to be listened to. Really listen and think about what you're talking about, Be in the moment. And listen - and make sure (by body language) that the person talking knows it. Nod, say "I get it" "Yes" "Hm-hmm" and things like that. Not too much, not too little. Really appear interested. And LISTEN!!!
Body language is pretty important here (like in anything else). Be OPEN around the other person, care about them, but really be open. Arms wide, legs uncrossed (or at least in the "4" position, where your ankle is lying on knee of your other leg), SMILING, etc... Eye contact. Much easier when listening than when talking.
Pinpoint commonalities. Not in a "it's-super-important-and-exciting" way, more like in a "how amusing, we think the same" "unaffected" way. But it really depends on current situation. After some experience, you'll get it.
The most important concept here is to DROP YOUR EGO. You must be comfortable talking to anyone, regardless of age, sex, race, popularity. You must show interest (whether genuine or not, although the genuine works better). Make them rise up their value.
Oh and one more thing. At the beginning of ANY social meeting, you need to "break the ice" a bit. Callback humor, relating to something you have talked about earlier, is a great thing to start.
A really deep conversation, true feeling of rapport, even if as short as five minutes can do wonders. Especially later, when she has time to think about it.
--------------
So that's about it. I think I've covered everything here, if not just tell me and I'll cover that bit too.
I really hope that this thing sorts out with that girl - I think that we should talk. My second one-itis. yaay...
Carpe Diem.
If there is one thing I am really good at it is making connection. Rapport. Comfort phase. Whatever you call it. And tonight I am explaining it all to you, in hope that you will find it useful.
First of all, what will I call rapport? It is the feeling of connection, like you've known this person for years, like you are best friends for X years long.
Now: I see rapport as a pendulum. Sometimes it is crucial to keep the relationship going, sometimes not. Rapport is (in HS) much easier done if you appear non-sexual. It may screw up your chances but in crucial moments you can use this to your advantage. The problem is that once the momentum stops, it will start swinging back - and that means that if you suddenly stop contacting the person, if you aren't so open anymore you are breaking rapport; and while breaking the rapport during the "swinging up" can result in amplified attraction (if played correctly) breaking it while the pendulum is on it's way down destroys it totally.
Relationship to others; I love people. I think that everyone is equal. And people pick up on it and thus realize that they can be comfortable around me. I am pacifistic (I would never hurt anyone, nor their feelings) so they know that they are safe around me. I won't attack them - unprovoked. I am confident in my social circle so I won't stalk no one - social proof does wonders with expanding the social circle. If everyone likes me, she will too.
Actually you can use this to your advantage - few negs (rapport breaking) (soft ones) can spark interest. However make sure that she knows you're joking (unless she isn't attracted at all -pretty hard, at least for me- then you want her even to dislike you a bit, because it makes her emotionally vulnerable which you can later turn around -by building rapport). Remember, negs (or pebbles) AMPLIFY attraction. However to really CREATE it you need to show your high value (if it isn't shown already). So first make some, then amplify, and exploit (you know what I mean ).
So let's say you have isolated someone. So how do you build true rapport? Easily. Get her to talk and listen.
How to get her to talk? Again, comment on something she is thinking about or has some emotional relationship to. As soon as she says anything, you are officially in a conversation.
Pretty soon you want to make statements about yourself (I do it all the time). Do it about something small so it goes unnoticed (4xmpl if you're playing pool and you do a foul (and you WILL do a foul) say sth like "I always hate it when the cue ball does that!!!) - and full of emotions. This gives the illusion that she knows what you're thinking; that she knows you forever.
Continue the conversation, bouncing from topic to topic naturally. If you stop, again comment on something (here in coffee shops are usually newspapers and magazines so use them to find a topic) - or think about something interested that has happened to you lately; it doesn't have to be significant, only something interesting.
When she starts qualifying herself, investing into the conversation (try to drop the conversational ratio and see if she fills in to the 100%) you have the connection truly built.
Now, you *can* use the mirroring, but the goal is to be doing it naturally. It can help, but usually it distracts me too much so I can't keep my focus on the conversation (again a good thing to do, it shows the other person that you care about his opinion). Usually the NLP things are far too much to think about.
Listen, listen, listen. Really listen. Her opinion DOES matter (although not so much) enough to be listened to. Really listen and think about what you're talking about, Be in the moment. And listen - and make sure (by body language) that the person talking knows it. Nod, say "I get it" "Yes" "Hm-hmm" and things like that. Not too much, not too little. Really appear interested. And LISTEN!!!
Body language is pretty important here (like in anything else). Be OPEN around the other person, care about them, but really be open. Arms wide, legs uncrossed (or at least in the "4" position, where your ankle is lying on knee of your other leg), SMILING, etc... Eye contact. Much easier when listening than when talking.
Pinpoint commonalities. Not in a "it's-super-important-and-exciting" way, more like in a "how amusing, we think the same" "unaffected" way. But it really depends on current situation. After some experience, you'll get it.
The most important concept here is to DROP YOUR EGO. You must be comfortable talking to anyone, regardless of age, sex, race, popularity. You must show interest (whether genuine or not, although the genuine works better). Make them rise up their value.
Oh and one more thing. At the beginning of ANY social meeting, you need to "break the ice" a bit. Callback humor, relating to something you have talked about earlier, is a great thing to start.
A really deep conversation, true feeling of rapport, even if as short as five minutes can do wonders. Especially later, when she has time to think about it.
--------------
So that's about it. I think I've covered everything here, if not just tell me and I'll cover that bit too.
I really hope that this thing sorts out with that girl - I think that we should talk. My second one-itis. yaay...
Carpe Diem.
