Post by Sloth on Jun 11, 2011 16:27:44 GMT -5
I don't know if this has been posted before, and i don't own this etc, but my mate showed it to me and i'm always getting people ask me for this kind of stuff on the chat function.
so here are some thing you can say to a girl via text/facebook if you're stumped
ONE-LINERS
YOU: You make me feel like a pudgy, naked, winged child has shot an arrow into my chest cavity
YOU: I couldn’t help noticing that you’re mind-blowingly hot.
YOU: I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
YOU: I promise not to make you stand beside me during the public apology if i’m ever implicated in a prosecution ring.
YOU: If we were snow monkeys I’d pick the dead skin and insects off your fur even if I wasn’t looking to mate.
YOU: Hey, wanted to touch base in case you get rich.
YOU: Let’s party like rock stars that only play video games!
YOU: If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party until it started raining.
YOU: If you showed up on a free porn site I would definitely click through.
YOU: Thought you should know I totally blasted my Pecs today.
YOU: May the cooler air bring less glandular activity to your armpits.
YOU: My penis is large enough to wound you.
YOU: My plan is to travel the world in a Panda suit.
YOU: I’m glad we stay mildly interested in each other’s lives.
YOU: I've been telling my mom about you, and she said I should call.
YOU: We’re total fucking bad asses.
YOU: Let’s have a frank discussion about our favourite sexual positions.
YOU: I’ve put more thought into my [Halloween] costume than into my career.
YOU: This is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.
YOU: I can’t believe how much I’m not sick of you.
YOU: I’d like to dedicate this boner to you.
YOU: (If they can’t do something) Your busy day is interfering with my slacking off.
YOU: (In response to what i’m doing) I’m practicing the shocker
YOU: I’m concerned your hotness may eventually make me insecure.
YOU: Someday i want to adopt an Asian baby with you.
YOU: Big dinners make me drowsy so let’s do the sex part first.
YOU: Let’s go to a museum to see some cock!
YOU: I’d appreciate it if you started treating me like a sex object.
YOU: Let’s go to a crowded party or bar to socialise exclusively with ourselves.
YOU: Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.
YOU: Sorry two unicorns and I fucked you silly in my dream last night.
YOU: [I’d take you to coffee but] your star bucks drink order embarrasses me.
YOU: Let’s invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our hotness.
YOU: I know the perfect place for us to dry hump!
YOU: Hey, if masturbating in my office is wrong, i don’t want to be right.
YOU: I’m too horny to be in public.
YOU: Let’s pretend to get together soon!
YOU: I really can’t say enough good things about your blow jobs.
YOU: Fucking you really turns me on.
YOU: Sometimes i get sad about how uncool you’ve become.
YOU: Someday we should go to rehab together.
YOU: I’m ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are.
YOU: I caught you staring at my package.
YOU: I love it when you tell a story 368 times.
YOU: I insist that everyone start calling me by my porn name.
YOU: If i ever run for president, my association with you is going to haunt me.
YOU: Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed.
YOU: Just wanted you to know that I’m new to the neighbourhood and required by law to tell you that.
YOU: Really great meeting you but I’m currently not in the market for new friends.
YOU: I’d like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship
YOU: Just saying hi and wondering if the morning-after pill worked.
YOU: Let me know when you’re available so i can make sure I’m busy.
YOU: I still try to keep up with whether or not you’re dead.
YOU: Welcome back if you were on vacation.
YOU: When you’re with me, your beverages are roofie-free.
YOU: Your username is making me hesitant to flirt with you.
YOU: I want you to uproot your life and move to my hometown so we can casually date.
YOU: I’ve almost figured out our relationship.
YOU: I’m glad you recognise how terrible your life is without me.
YOU: I bet my weekend can kick your weekends ass.
YOU: I’d bang you if you weren’t such a nice girl...
YOU: Ha-ha, I’ve got you by the balls now!!!
YOU: I hope you’re smiling
YOU: What sort of trouble are you causing?
YOU: Guess what! –IF LAME RESPONSE-- Bad girl. I said guess. Try again.
YOU: Thinking of you (and taking cold showers)
YOU: You're boring. Better start being entertaining before I leave you. ;P.
YOU: I just don't think we should do this anymore... Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.
YOU: let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, develop a gambling problem, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed
YOU: Hey! I really miss you and want to see you badly BUT this dumbass security guard won't let me in the zoo. Can you escape?
YOU: Hey you cheeky-slag, orgy starts at 8:00, but be there early so i can get you while you're still fresh – Fine, well can i at least get seconds?
YOU: Today is HOLY SHIT YOUR HOT DAY, send this to someone you know who is HOT, just not to me, I’ve been getting this fucking text all day ;p
YOU: Exciting, you are going to make a great soccer mom some day! - I will keep an eye out for used Mini Vans and do some research on anti-depressants for you!
YOU: Hey i was just thinking about you, wish you were here(so you could cook me something and do my dishes/so you could fetch me a drink and give me a foot massage/so you could clean my house and do my laundry)
YOU: So bottom line you kinda impressed me tonight...and I don't get impressed very often. Keep up the good work ; )
YOU: Yeah it’s big – sorry wrong [Stephanie].
YOU: The police have found a burnt body, except its fatter and with a smaller brain than whats common, please let me know your alright.
YOU: I forgot, are we fighting and most importantly am I winning?
YOU: One hundred percent of homosexuals check their text messages with their thumb. Too late to switch fingers now!
YOU: Stop thinking about me!
YOU: I think of you every time i browse my phone on the toilet
YOU: You’re only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked
YOU: It’s been too long since we threw up on each other
YOU: You never pee on me anymore... :-(
YOU; let’s confirm that we’re getting pants-shitting drunk tonight.
YOU: Wanting to make gentle yet impassioned love to [Tom Brady] doesn’t make you gay.
YOU: If I was your co-worker i’d sexually harass you.
YOU: If we were in prison together I’d totally help you not get raped.
YOU: Don’t forget that blowjobs are like flowers for men.
YOU: OMG, Becky, look at her butt!
YOU: Maybe it’s the booze talking, but i want you to know i love booze.
YOU: You’re going to be a great MILF
YOU: Let’s do the whitest thing imaginable.
YOU: SURPRISE!
YOU: Knock knock...
YOU: How's my favorite little brat doing?
YOU: Ciao bella! / Mi amore! / My cheri amore!
YOU: I just made you open your phone for no reason...looks like I got you in check =]
YOU: Hey goof, I bet my weekend can beat up your weekend.
YOU: What sort of trouble are you causing?
YOU: I am luring women to my house with candy... do you prefer skittles or M&M's? (MY ADDITION: Bring preferred candy to next meeting. Funny. Also, after reading posts they always pick skittles... i'm going to actually try and bring a fun pack of skittles when i'm out and use this as a funny opener. If they say skittles, i'll take out the pack, pop one in my mouth and say, "want a skittle?")
YOU: I know my math u+i equals 69
YOU: Girls are gross...
YOU: I hope you are smiling. If not just think of me!
YOU: Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I just wanted to text to say goodbye.
YOU: Out of all the (first name) (last name)'s I know... I think you’re my favourite.
YOU: You just popped into my head so Hi...now please stay out of there
YOU: Hey I hope you got home safe. [name]
YOU: Let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed
YOU: I don't know who you're boyfriend is...but he's not spanking you enough!
YOU: I don't think you're ready for this jelly
YOU: Awww, you're so sweet. You're making me get diabetes.
YOU: I just don't think we should do this anymore...Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.
YOU: I was thinking of you...
YOU: Something about u seems to always make me smile.
YOU: Feel better so i can guiltlessly/mercilessly make fun of you again.
YOU: I’m glad you recognise how bad your life would be without me.
YOU: (To stress of relationships) Life would be easier if we were gay.
YOU: If you really loved me you would say it on my Facebook Wall.
YOU: (After waiting a while after they msg) I just finished balancing my chi, what are you up to?
YOU: I get it... you’re just a simple woman who wants her salad tossed.
YOU: I couldn’t get through [Monday]’s without knowing you’re equally miserable.
YOU: I’d like to offer moral support but i have questionable morals.
YOU: Sorry you’re feeling like such a pussy
YOU: Get well soon because your cough is fucking disgusting.
YOU: It’s never too early to start a mid-life crisis.
YOU: Do something special for yourself and then feel guilty about it.
YOU: (Bowling, etc) Sure... I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over.
MULTI-LINERS
YOU: Hey..do me a favour and text me right back. Just hi or something.
HB: Hi.... but why?
YOU: My friends didn't believe retards can text. Boy, did we show them!
-OR-
YOU: Hey..do me a favor and text me right back. Just hi or something. my friends dont believe retards can text. We'll show em lil buddy
YOU: [ALL SENT SEPERATELY]
6 truths in your life:
1. You can't lick all your teeth with your tongue.
2. You're an idiot, because you just tried to proof truth number one.
3. Truth one is a lie.
4. Now you're smiling, because you're a goof.
5. You'll send it to another idiot in the near future.
6. You're still smiling ;-)
YOU: Hey can you help me study? or Hey I need help studying?
HB: Sure what class is it? or studying for what?
YOU: Sex 101/Sex Ed
YOU: Congratulations
HB: BLAH/WHY?
YOU: I was just thinking of you. Congratulations =)
YOU: Thanks for the blow job last night. That was really sweet of you.
HB: (either replies or doesn’t)
YOU: Oops wrong person.
YOU: Hey I’ve been thinking.....want to rob a bank with me?
HB: HAHA, What? (or something of the sort, most girls will play along)
YOU: Seriously, I need a partner. Are you driving or are you shooting
HB: Blah blah
YOU: Oh a badass huh
YOU: Who is this?
HB: [girls name]
YOU: I know...I'm just being an ass
YOU: let’s go to Vegas and get married right now. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met
[then follow up with...]
YOU: oh my bad...wrong person!/Sorry wrong number!
YOU: Baby you're the hottest thing I've ever seen! Let's fly to Vegas and elope
-followed by after a min or a response-
YOU: Oh Shit sorry wrong number!
YOU: Don’t worry you’re still my favourite girl
-wait 5 mins-
YOU: Or at least top 5.
YOU: So are you in love with me yet?
HB: Blah
YOU: Wow you’re lasting longer than I thought/give it 15 mins...
YOU: Don't worry you're still my favorite girl
--wait a couple minutes --
YOU: Or at least top 5
YOU: I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus.
-wait for it....-
YOU: Whoops! EMBARRASING.
HB: What are you up to tonight?
YOU: Tonight's my weekly melted haagen-dazs bath.
HB: Who’s this?
YOU: Prince Charming, duh.
PRETEND TO MASS-TEXT
YOU: Remember guys tomorrow is "Hug a retard" day. . . So don’t freak out like you did last year, NO ONE IS TRYING TO HURT YOU!
HB: Okay, remind me to give you a hug when i see you
HB: Haha! Your getting an extra hug when i see you tomorrow.
YOU: You know what I hate? When you're minding your own business then... BAM! you're being attacked by flying monkeys.
HB: I didn't know monkeys could fly
YOU: That’s what makes it so hateful. I'm never expecting it.
HB: What are you talking about?
YOU: I knew it! You're one of those flying monkey lovers, aren't you
GONE COLD/FLAKES
YOU: hey, just been sorting out my phonebook and found out I have three <NAME>’s, which one are you......the crazy one, the hot one, or the shy suggestive one?
YOU: I just met your twin
BIRTHDAY:
YOU: Today’s the anniversary of you being expelled from your mother’s uterus.
YOU: I hope your party doesn’t fucking suck. (SITUATIONAL can work at any party not just bdays)
YOU: I’m not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.
YOU: Wishing you happy birthday makes me feel gay
YOU: You would have loved the gift I didn’t bother getting you
YOU: I remember when you weren’t so disturbingly old.
YOU: I’d like to take you out for your birthday when it’s convenient for me.
YOU: Sorry, you didn’t remind me it was your Birthday.
YOU: Sorry your age means you’re no longer the primary target market of pop culture marketers.
YOU: It’s your birthday but I’m still going to try and get all the attention. (SITUATIONAL works for any event: house party, party)
YOU: Happy birthday to someone I can tolerate!
YOU: Hey I’ve been thinking.....want to rob a bank with me?
HB: HAHA, What? (or something of the sort, most girls will play along)
YOU: Seriously, I need a partner. Are you driving or are you shooting
HB: Blah blah
YOU: Oh a badass huh.
(next day )
You: Why did you bail on me? I'm sitting in jail now because of you! I thought you was driving!
HB: Sorry bla bla bla
You: Well come and bail me out of here and then we go for dinner(or whatever) your treat!
NOT ALL OF THESE ARE VERY GOOD, BUT MAJORITY ARE FIELD TESTED AND WORK!
p.s i know it's alot to read, pick an choose.
so here are some thing you can say to a girl via text/facebook if you're stumped
ONE-LINERS
YOU: You make me feel like a pudgy, naked, winged child has shot an arrow into my chest cavity
YOU: I couldn’t help noticing that you’re mind-blowingly hot.
YOU: I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
YOU: I promise not to make you stand beside me during the public apology if i’m ever implicated in a prosecution ring.
YOU: If we were snow monkeys I’d pick the dead skin and insects off your fur even if I wasn’t looking to mate.
YOU: Hey, wanted to touch base in case you get rich.
YOU: Let’s party like rock stars that only play video games!
YOU: If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party until it started raining.
YOU: If you showed up on a free porn site I would definitely click through.
YOU: Thought you should know I totally blasted my Pecs today.
YOU: May the cooler air bring less glandular activity to your armpits.
YOU: My penis is large enough to wound you.
YOU: My plan is to travel the world in a Panda suit.
YOU: I’m glad we stay mildly interested in each other’s lives.
YOU: I've been telling my mom about you, and she said I should call.
YOU: We’re total fucking bad asses.
YOU: Let’s have a frank discussion about our favourite sexual positions.
YOU: I’ve put more thought into my [Halloween] costume than into my career.
YOU: This is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.
YOU: I can’t believe how much I’m not sick of you.
YOU: I’d like to dedicate this boner to you.
YOU: (If they can’t do something) Your busy day is interfering with my slacking off.
YOU: (In response to what i’m doing) I’m practicing the shocker
YOU: I’m concerned your hotness may eventually make me insecure.
YOU: Someday i want to adopt an Asian baby with you.
YOU: Big dinners make me drowsy so let’s do the sex part first.
YOU: Let’s go to a museum to see some cock!
YOU: I’d appreciate it if you started treating me like a sex object.
YOU: Let’s go to a crowded party or bar to socialise exclusively with ourselves.
YOU: Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.
YOU: Sorry two unicorns and I fucked you silly in my dream last night.
YOU: [I’d take you to coffee but] your star bucks drink order embarrasses me.
YOU: Let’s invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our hotness.
YOU: I know the perfect place for us to dry hump!
YOU: Hey, if masturbating in my office is wrong, i don’t want to be right.
YOU: I’m too horny to be in public.
YOU: Let’s pretend to get together soon!
YOU: I really can’t say enough good things about your blow jobs.
YOU: Fucking you really turns me on.
YOU: Sometimes i get sad about how uncool you’ve become.
YOU: Someday we should go to rehab together.
YOU: I’m ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are.
YOU: I caught you staring at my package.
YOU: I love it when you tell a story 368 times.
YOU: I insist that everyone start calling me by my porn name.
YOU: If i ever run for president, my association with you is going to haunt me.
YOU: Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed.
YOU: Just wanted you to know that I’m new to the neighbourhood and required by law to tell you that.
YOU: Really great meeting you but I’m currently not in the market for new friends.
YOU: I’d like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship
YOU: Just saying hi and wondering if the morning-after pill worked.
YOU: Let me know when you’re available so i can make sure I’m busy.
YOU: I still try to keep up with whether or not you’re dead.
YOU: Welcome back if you were on vacation.
YOU: When you’re with me, your beverages are roofie-free.
YOU: Your username is making me hesitant to flirt with you.
YOU: I want you to uproot your life and move to my hometown so we can casually date.
YOU: I’ve almost figured out our relationship.
YOU: I’m glad you recognise how terrible your life is without me.
YOU: I bet my weekend can kick your weekends ass.
YOU: I’d bang you if you weren’t such a nice girl...
YOU: Ha-ha, I’ve got you by the balls now!!!
YOU: I hope you’re smiling
YOU: What sort of trouble are you causing?
YOU: Guess what! –IF LAME RESPONSE-- Bad girl. I said guess. Try again.
YOU: Thinking of you (and taking cold showers)
YOU: You're boring. Better start being entertaining before I leave you. ;P.
YOU: I just don't think we should do this anymore... Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.
YOU: let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, develop a gambling problem, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed
YOU: Hey! I really miss you and want to see you badly BUT this dumbass security guard won't let me in the zoo. Can you escape?
YOU: Hey you cheeky-slag, orgy starts at 8:00, but be there early so i can get you while you're still fresh – Fine, well can i at least get seconds?
YOU: Today is HOLY SHIT YOUR HOT DAY, send this to someone you know who is HOT, just not to me, I’ve been getting this fucking text all day ;p
YOU: Exciting, you are going to make a great soccer mom some day! - I will keep an eye out for used Mini Vans and do some research on anti-depressants for you!
YOU: Hey i was just thinking about you, wish you were here(so you could cook me something and do my dishes/so you could fetch me a drink and give me a foot massage/so you could clean my house and do my laundry)
YOU: So bottom line you kinda impressed me tonight...and I don't get impressed very often. Keep up the good work ; )
YOU: Yeah it’s big – sorry wrong [Stephanie].
YOU: The police have found a burnt body, except its fatter and with a smaller brain than whats common, please let me know your alright.
YOU: I forgot, are we fighting and most importantly am I winning?
YOU: One hundred percent of homosexuals check their text messages with their thumb. Too late to switch fingers now!
YOU: Stop thinking about me!
YOU: I think of you every time i browse my phone on the toilet
YOU: You’re only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked
YOU: It’s been too long since we threw up on each other
YOU: You never pee on me anymore... :-(
YOU; let’s confirm that we’re getting pants-shitting drunk tonight.
YOU: Wanting to make gentle yet impassioned love to [Tom Brady] doesn’t make you gay.
YOU: If I was your co-worker i’d sexually harass you.
YOU: If we were in prison together I’d totally help you not get raped.
YOU: Don’t forget that blowjobs are like flowers for men.
YOU: OMG, Becky, look at her butt!
YOU: Maybe it’s the booze talking, but i want you to know i love booze.
YOU: You’re going to be a great MILF
YOU: Let’s do the whitest thing imaginable.
YOU: SURPRISE!
YOU: Knock knock...
YOU: How's my favorite little brat doing?
YOU: Ciao bella! / Mi amore! / My cheri amore!
YOU: I just made you open your phone for no reason...looks like I got you in check =]
YOU: Hey goof, I bet my weekend can beat up your weekend.
YOU: What sort of trouble are you causing?
YOU: I am luring women to my house with candy... do you prefer skittles or M&M's? (MY ADDITION: Bring preferred candy to next meeting. Funny. Also, after reading posts they always pick skittles... i'm going to actually try and bring a fun pack of skittles when i'm out and use this as a funny opener. If they say skittles, i'll take out the pack, pop one in my mouth and say, "want a skittle?")
YOU: I know my math u+i equals 69
YOU: Girls are gross...
YOU: I hope you are smiling. If not just think of me!
YOU: Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I just wanted to text to say goodbye.
YOU: Out of all the (first name) (last name)'s I know... I think you’re my favourite.
YOU: You just popped into my head so Hi...now please stay out of there
YOU: Hey I hope you got home safe. [name]
YOU: Let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed
YOU: I don't know who you're boyfriend is...but he's not spanking you enough!
YOU: I don't think you're ready for this jelly
YOU: Awww, you're so sweet. You're making me get diabetes.
YOU: I just don't think we should do this anymore...Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.
YOU: I was thinking of you...
YOU: Something about u seems to always make me smile.
YOU: Feel better so i can guiltlessly/mercilessly make fun of you again.
YOU: I’m glad you recognise how bad your life would be without me.
YOU: (To stress of relationships) Life would be easier if we were gay.
YOU: If you really loved me you would say it on my Facebook Wall.
YOU: (After waiting a while after they msg) I just finished balancing my chi, what are you up to?
YOU: I get it... you’re just a simple woman who wants her salad tossed.
YOU: I couldn’t get through [Monday]’s without knowing you’re equally miserable.
YOU: I’d like to offer moral support but i have questionable morals.
YOU: Sorry you’re feeling like such a pussy
YOU: Get well soon because your cough is fucking disgusting.
YOU: It’s never too early to start a mid-life crisis.
YOU: Do something special for yourself and then feel guilty about it.
YOU: (Bowling, etc) Sure... I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over.
MULTI-LINERS
YOU: Hey..do me a favour and text me right back. Just hi or something.
HB: Hi.... but why?
YOU: My friends didn't believe retards can text. Boy, did we show them!
-OR-
YOU: Hey..do me a favor and text me right back. Just hi or something. my friends dont believe retards can text. We'll show em lil buddy
YOU: [ALL SENT SEPERATELY]
6 truths in your life:
1. You can't lick all your teeth with your tongue.
2. You're an idiot, because you just tried to proof truth number one.
3. Truth one is a lie.
4. Now you're smiling, because you're a goof.
5. You'll send it to another idiot in the near future.
6. You're still smiling ;-)
YOU: Hey can you help me study? or Hey I need help studying?
HB: Sure what class is it? or studying for what?
YOU: Sex 101/Sex Ed
YOU: Congratulations
HB: BLAH/WHY?
YOU: I was just thinking of you. Congratulations =)
YOU: Thanks for the blow job last night. That was really sweet of you.
HB: (either replies or doesn’t)
YOU: Oops wrong person.
YOU: Hey I’ve been thinking.....want to rob a bank with me?
HB: HAHA, What? (or something of the sort, most girls will play along)
YOU: Seriously, I need a partner. Are you driving or are you shooting
HB: Blah blah
YOU: Oh a badass huh
YOU: Who is this?
HB: [girls name]
YOU: I know...I'm just being an ass
YOU: let’s go to Vegas and get married right now. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met
[then follow up with...]
YOU: oh my bad...wrong person!/Sorry wrong number!
YOU: Baby you're the hottest thing I've ever seen! Let's fly to Vegas and elope
-followed by after a min or a response-
YOU: Oh Shit sorry wrong number!
YOU: Don’t worry you’re still my favourite girl
-wait 5 mins-
YOU: Or at least top 5.
YOU: So are you in love with me yet?
HB: Blah
YOU: Wow you’re lasting longer than I thought/give it 15 mins...
YOU: Don't worry you're still my favorite girl
--wait a couple minutes --
YOU: Or at least top 5
YOU: I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus.
-wait for it....-
YOU: Whoops! EMBARRASING.
HB: What are you up to tonight?
YOU: Tonight's my weekly melted haagen-dazs bath.
HB: Who’s this?
YOU: Prince Charming, duh.
PRETEND TO MASS-TEXT
YOU: Remember guys tomorrow is "Hug a retard" day. . . So don’t freak out like you did last year, NO ONE IS TRYING TO HURT YOU!
HB: Okay, remind me to give you a hug when i see you
HB: Haha! Your getting an extra hug when i see you tomorrow.
YOU: You know what I hate? When you're minding your own business then... BAM! you're being attacked by flying monkeys.
HB: I didn't know monkeys could fly
YOU: That’s what makes it so hateful. I'm never expecting it.
HB: What are you talking about?
YOU: I knew it! You're one of those flying monkey lovers, aren't you
GONE COLD/FLAKES
YOU: hey, just been sorting out my phonebook and found out I have three <NAME>’s, which one are you......the crazy one, the hot one, or the shy suggestive one?
YOU: I just met your twin
BIRTHDAY:
YOU: Today’s the anniversary of you being expelled from your mother’s uterus.
YOU: I hope your party doesn’t fucking suck. (SITUATIONAL can work at any party not just bdays)
YOU: I’m not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.
YOU: Wishing you happy birthday makes me feel gay
YOU: You would have loved the gift I didn’t bother getting you
YOU: I remember when you weren’t so disturbingly old.
YOU: I’d like to take you out for your birthday when it’s convenient for me.
YOU: Sorry, you didn’t remind me it was your Birthday.
YOU: Sorry your age means you’re no longer the primary target market of pop culture marketers.
YOU: It’s your birthday but I’m still going to try and get all the attention. (SITUATIONAL works for any event: house party, party)
YOU: Happy birthday to someone I can tolerate!
YOU: Hey I’ve been thinking.....want to rob a bank with me?
HB: HAHA, What? (or something of the sort, most girls will play along)
YOU: Seriously, I need a partner. Are you driving or are you shooting
HB: Blah blah
YOU: Oh a badass huh.
(next day )
You: Why did you bail on me? I'm sitting in jail now because of you! I thought you was driving!
HB: Sorry bla bla bla
You: Well come and bail me out of here and then we go for dinner(or whatever) your treat!
NOT ALL OF THESE ARE VERY GOOD, BUT MAJORITY ARE FIELD TESTED AND WORK!
p.s i know it's alot to read, pick an choose.
