Post by OHM on Dec 15, 2008 20:10:54 GMT -5
"Due to my recent reintroduction to bachelorhood and a four month absence of a social life, I have started looking towards Hollywood for new ways of meeting women and getting them to like me. I've realized that the most important thing to do is to not have a legitimate well-paying job. This is an absolute no-no and will immediately get you cast as the villian. Also, shaving and wearing nice clothing are both big turn offs, as are full beards. Death threats or murder attempts will greatly increase your chances, as will musical talents.
Here are the things that Hollywood has taught me about how to pick up chicks:
1. Steal cars. Nothing "drives" a woman into "high gear" faster than a man who can use automobile terms in his sexual innuendo.
2. Carry a giant sword, kill thousands of British soldiers, and threaten to kill the woman's husband, the heir to the throne of England.
3. Replace your weak human skeleton with a cybernetic skeleton, travel back in time, and try to kill the woman. When that fails, travel back in time again except this time, protect her son from mercury poisoning.
4. Go to prison for five years and when you get out, rob her boyfriend's casino of one hundred sixty million dollars.
5. Do not have a job. Instead, travel along a river and play guitar. Also, grow your hair into a pony tail and have constant stubble. Having previously been an undercover cop in a high school helps.
6. Kill a New York police captain, run to Italy, find a girl walking down the street, then go tell her father that you want to marry her or you will kill him. When you are through with her, blow her up with a car bomb.
7. Carry a guitar case full of guns and kill every man you see. Apparently, when you are finished, she will have no choice but to be with you.
8. Sneak your way onto a giant boat, make up some bullshit about being able to fly, and then freeze to death in the arctic ocean.
9. Grab a friend, sing a song to a stranger, then follow her into the bathroom and offer to have sex with her on the sink. It also helps if you have previously been a pimp, race car driver, or spy.
and the absolute best way of picking up chicks...
10. If the woman's father doesn't like you, bring him to an orbiting asteroid, set a nuclear weapon, then take off before he can make it back to the ship."
www.ubersite.com/m/3423 username is bart clifone this guy made ubersite
This guy is effin' priceless! comicbookguy, you can find the rest of his "dating tutorials" on under his username somewhere.
"Tired of never meeting women? Tired of going to bars and clubs but struggling to catch the attention of that young girl in the middle of a giant sausage fest? Tired of never getting laid?
If you answered no to all of those questions, then fuck you. But, if you answered yes to even one of them, take my hand and come with me on this journey.
My name is Hugh.
But you can call me Mr. Jassdick.
I'm a dating instructor and I have been picking up chicks for years, and with my five part instructional video series, you will too. The key to picking up chicks is to understand that chicks are everywhere. Where their is civilization, their is chicks. They are not just in clubs or bars, or back alleys behind dumpsters. They are in your everyday places, and that is why my set includes:
1)How to pick up chicks at bus stops
2)How to pick up chicks at grocery stores
3)How to pick up chicks in an elevator
4)How to pick up chicks at the doctor's office
5)How to pick up chicks in various other potentially socially awkward situations that cannot be catagorized in the above four videos
After you have watched these videos, you will be a lean, mean sex machine like I am. You will be picking up chicks in no time, and I don't mean lifting fat women. If you're into that, buy my other video series on how to build muscle through the lifting of fat women. I'm talking about bench pressing fat women, curling fat women, and doing push ups with fat women sitting on your back.
After you have seen these videos, you will be able to walk up to a women in any of these situations, get her number, get a date, and get laid, evenetually leading to a healthy long-term relationship. Or, conversely, a lot of casual monkey sex with you eventual dumping her because she wants commitment. You dog you! Either way, if your penis enters one of her orifices, I know I have done my job and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that reminds me why I got into the business in the first place.
Now, in this video, you will learn how to pick up chicks at a bus stop. The beauty of picking up chicks at bus stops is that you literally and figuratively pick them up because this instructional video will show you how to use your car to pick up chicks at bus stops.
Step 1: Fix your car stupid.
A lot of chicks don't mind taking the bus. But a lot of chicks DO mind being wheeled around in a shit box. If your little shit mobile goes 0 to 60 in four hours, then you gotta fucking problem. Can you car compare to a bus? A bus is like a massive, pimping SUV with 4000 horse power and lots of 45 inch wheels. Can your ride compete with that, bitch? I didn't think so.
If you stroll beside a bus stop in your shitty ass sputtering car, that chicks not going to want a ride! She would rather fuck the bus driver and that makes you a pretty big loser.
So here is what you do. It's very simple. Do not do anything with the engine or any of that shit because chicks don't now the difference. Give it a nice paint job, and add a white racing stripe along the side. MAKE SURE IT IS NIFTY. I cannot stress this enough. Then, add some hydraulics so your car bounces up and down and she can see you coming to the bus stop a mile away. This has no performance advantages whatsoever, but it looks cool and gives her an idea of how she will look when on top of you.
Step 2: Use weather to your advantage
No one likes waiting at the bus stop when it's raining, especially if the shelter has been blown off by torrential winds. Use this to your advantage people! Picking up chicks at bus stops gets 100 times easier when it's raining or snowing or hailing. Sometimes, it will even negate the fact that you have a shitty car or no teeth. Once you offer them a ride, they will do the following: look around desperately for the bus, check their watch, sigh, and then take you up on the offer. Hurricanes, tornados, tsunami's. These are your friends. Use them wisely.
Step 3: Pick out the right girl.
Who is the ideal bus stop girl? The most fuckable one, that's who. The easiest chick to pick up at a bus shelter is the one who has the highest "looks really hot but dresses really shitty" ratio. You know the girl I'm talking about. She's all alone at the bus stop, hugging her books tight to her chest, looking down at the pavement, could or could not be wearing artsy glasses. This girl is sad, sad that she doesn't have many friends because she is afraid of breaking out of her social shell, perhaps due to a past. Perhaps a boy broke her heart, perhaps she experienced tragedy in her family.
This girl needs some tender loving. And there is nothing more tender than a penis.
By offering her a ride, you are showing your soft, compassionate side. You are showing that you sense the slightest human suffering. You are a good, warm, and caring person. A good, warm and caring person that is desperate to have sex.
Step 4: Pick out the right bus stops
Like I said, you want to go to bus stops that have no bus shelters. That way, you can use inclement weather to your advantage. Also, you want to pick a bus stop which has a fairly long stop light. This gives you at least 40-60 seconds to operate. If you pick a bus stop that is in the middle of the street and you have to pull off to the side of the road and put your hazard lights on so you can talk to her, you've already failed because you're trying too hard. If you naturally stop at a red light, then it looks like you weren't even trying to pick her up. You were merely obeying the law and chicks dig that.
Also, avoid bus shelters near stop signs. That gives you absolutely no window of opportunity, especially if there is a car behind you and it's not a four way stop.
Step 5: The approach
You car is pimped out. It's raining cats and dogs. You have the confidence-shattered girl in your sights. It's time to make like Young MC and bust a move pimp.
Slowly roll up in your car. Turn your head casually like you're just driving through, and not there to pick up a chick at a bus stop. Make eye contact and smile. If you have bad teeth, or no teeth, then just do one of those non-teeth showing smiles and let your eyes do the talking. You may have to stare for a while because remember, this girl is depressed and enjoys staring down at concrete. Once she looks up, and makes eye contact, roll down your window. Remember, make sure you have manual windows. It shows that you are exuding a mild degree of effort. Say, "need a ride?" and smile again.
Now, the most important thing here is to look as NON THREATENING AS POSSIBLE. This girl may be depressed and probably hasn't been laid in a while, but girls don't take rides with strange, scary looking men, not even depressed girls, so make sure you clean yourself up a little. She will make her decision within the first ten seconds. Anything past ten seconds and there is either something wrong with her, or she their is something wrong with you; most likely the former because you're a stud and there is always the next bus stop.
Now, if she says yes, DO NOT leave your car, go out into the pouring rain like a pussy, and open her door for her. Open it from the inside. You do not want to reek of desperation. She will enter your car, apologize for dripping water all over your shitty interior, but you will brush it off with the wave of your hand. Remember, compassion, human suffering, niceness. Put the dick away for now.
Now that you have her in the car, speed off before she changes her mind. Ask her questions about her life, gently probing and poking at the hard shell that has formed around her social being after all these years. Don't say anything about you because no one gives a fuck. Talk about her and only her. If there are any awkward pauses, tell her about your missionary work in the Philippines or your charity work with the blind. It's okay, you can make it up. Remember: It's not a lie if you believe it. This check is sensitive, and she loves a sensitive guy. Milk that cow till its bone dry.
When you arrive at her house, tell her that it was nice meeting her, and perhaps if it's okay, you can call her sometime? Make sure you sound innocent and naïve, even though we both know you're a horny freak who can't wait to get into her pants. If you she does not yes, then recall my 100% money back guarantee.
But I assure you she will, you pimp you. And if she doesn't, send her over to my place. At least one of us will get laid."
www.ubersite.com/m/50706
;D Hope you enjoyed!
Here are the things that Hollywood has taught me about how to pick up chicks:
1. Steal cars. Nothing "drives" a woman into "high gear" faster than a man who can use automobile terms in his sexual innuendo.
2. Carry a giant sword, kill thousands of British soldiers, and threaten to kill the woman's husband, the heir to the throne of England.
3. Replace your weak human skeleton with a cybernetic skeleton, travel back in time, and try to kill the woman. When that fails, travel back in time again except this time, protect her son from mercury poisoning.
4. Go to prison for five years and when you get out, rob her boyfriend's casino of one hundred sixty million dollars.
5. Do not have a job. Instead, travel along a river and play guitar. Also, grow your hair into a pony tail and have constant stubble. Having previously been an undercover cop in a high school helps.
6. Kill a New York police captain, run to Italy, find a girl walking down the street, then go tell her father that you want to marry her or you will kill him. When you are through with her, blow her up with a car bomb.
7. Carry a guitar case full of guns and kill every man you see. Apparently, when you are finished, she will have no choice but to be with you.
8. Sneak your way onto a giant boat, make up some bullshit about being able to fly, and then freeze to death in the arctic ocean.
9. Grab a friend, sing a song to a stranger, then follow her into the bathroom and offer to have sex with her on the sink. It also helps if you have previously been a pimp, race car driver, or spy.
and the absolute best way of picking up chicks...
10. If the woman's father doesn't like you, bring him to an orbiting asteroid, set a nuclear weapon, then take off before he can make it back to the ship."
www.ubersite.com/m/3423 username is bart clifone this guy made ubersite
This guy is effin' priceless! comicbookguy, you can find the rest of his "dating tutorials" on under his username somewhere.
"Tired of never meeting women? Tired of going to bars and clubs but struggling to catch the attention of that young girl in the middle of a giant sausage fest? Tired of never getting laid?
If you answered no to all of those questions, then fuck you. But, if you answered yes to even one of them, take my hand and come with me on this journey.
My name is Hugh.
But you can call me Mr. Jassdick.
I'm a dating instructor and I have been picking up chicks for years, and with my five part instructional video series, you will too. The key to picking up chicks is to understand that chicks are everywhere. Where their is civilization, their is chicks. They are not just in clubs or bars, or back alleys behind dumpsters. They are in your everyday places, and that is why my set includes:
1)How to pick up chicks at bus stops
2)How to pick up chicks at grocery stores
3)How to pick up chicks in an elevator
4)How to pick up chicks at the doctor's office
5)How to pick up chicks in various other potentially socially awkward situations that cannot be catagorized in the above four videos
After you have watched these videos, you will be a lean, mean sex machine like I am. You will be picking up chicks in no time, and I don't mean lifting fat women. If you're into that, buy my other video series on how to build muscle through the lifting of fat women. I'm talking about bench pressing fat women, curling fat women, and doing push ups with fat women sitting on your back.
After you have seen these videos, you will be able to walk up to a women in any of these situations, get her number, get a date, and get laid, evenetually leading to a healthy long-term relationship. Or, conversely, a lot of casual monkey sex with you eventual dumping her because she wants commitment. You dog you! Either way, if your penis enters one of her orifices, I know I have done my job and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that reminds me why I got into the business in the first place.
Now, in this video, you will learn how to pick up chicks at a bus stop. The beauty of picking up chicks at bus stops is that you literally and figuratively pick them up because this instructional video will show you how to use your car to pick up chicks at bus stops.
Step 1: Fix your car stupid.
A lot of chicks don't mind taking the bus. But a lot of chicks DO mind being wheeled around in a shit box. If your little shit mobile goes 0 to 60 in four hours, then you gotta fucking problem. Can you car compare to a bus? A bus is like a massive, pimping SUV with 4000 horse power and lots of 45 inch wheels. Can your ride compete with that, bitch? I didn't think so.
If you stroll beside a bus stop in your shitty ass sputtering car, that chicks not going to want a ride! She would rather fuck the bus driver and that makes you a pretty big loser.
So here is what you do. It's very simple. Do not do anything with the engine or any of that shit because chicks don't now the difference. Give it a nice paint job, and add a white racing stripe along the side. MAKE SURE IT IS NIFTY. I cannot stress this enough. Then, add some hydraulics so your car bounces up and down and she can see you coming to the bus stop a mile away. This has no performance advantages whatsoever, but it looks cool and gives her an idea of how she will look when on top of you.
Step 2: Use weather to your advantage
No one likes waiting at the bus stop when it's raining, especially if the shelter has been blown off by torrential winds. Use this to your advantage people! Picking up chicks at bus stops gets 100 times easier when it's raining or snowing or hailing. Sometimes, it will even negate the fact that you have a shitty car or no teeth. Once you offer them a ride, they will do the following: look around desperately for the bus, check their watch, sigh, and then take you up on the offer. Hurricanes, tornados, tsunami's. These are your friends. Use them wisely.
Step 3: Pick out the right girl.
Who is the ideal bus stop girl? The most fuckable one, that's who. The easiest chick to pick up at a bus shelter is the one who has the highest "looks really hot but dresses really shitty" ratio. You know the girl I'm talking about. She's all alone at the bus stop, hugging her books tight to her chest, looking down at the pavement, could or could not be wearing artsy glasses. This girl is sad, sad that she doesn't have many friends because she is afraid of breaking out of her social shell, perhaps due to a past. Perhaps a boy broke her heart, perhaps she experienced tragedy in her family.
This girl needs some tender loving. And there is nothing more tender than a penis.
By offering her a ride, you are showing your soft, compassionate side. You are showing that you sense the slightest human suffering. You are a good, warm, and caring person. A good, warm and caring person that is desperate to have sex.
Step 4: Pick out the right bus stops
Like I said, you want to go to bus stops that have no bus shelters. That way, you can use inclement weather to your advantage. Also, you want to pick a bus stop which has a fairly long stop light. This gives you at least 40-60 seconds to operate. If you pick a bus stop that is in the middle of the street and you have to pull off to the side of the road and put your hazard lights on so you can talk to her, you've already failed because you're trying too hard. If you naturally stop at a red light, then it looks like you weren't even trying to pick her up. You were merely obeying the law and chicks dig that.
Also, avoid bus shelters near stop signs. That gives you absolutely no window of opportunity, especially if there is a car behind you and it's not a four way stop.
Step 5: The approach
You car is pimped out. It's raining cats and dogs. You have the confidence-shattered girl in your sights. It's time to make like Young MC and bust a move pimp.
Slowly roll up in your car. Turn your head casually like you're just driving through, and not there to pick up a chick at a bus stop. Make eye contact and smile. If you have bad teeth, or no teeth, then just do one of those non-teeth showing smiles and let your eyes do the talking. You may have to stare for a while because remember, this girl is depressed and enjoys staring down at concrete. Once she looks up, and makes eye contact, roll down your window. Remember, make sure you have manual windows. It shows that you are exuding a mild degree of effort. Say, "need a ride?" and smile again.
Now, the most important thing here is to look as NON THREATENING AS POSSIBLE. This girl may be depressed and probably hasn't been laid in a while, but girls don't take rides with strange, scary looking men, not even depressed girls, so make sure you clean yourself up a little. She will make her decision within the first ten seconds. Anything past ten seconds and there is either something wrong with her, or she their is something wrong with you; most likely the former because you're a stud and there is always the next bus stop.
Now, if she says yes, DO NOT leave your car, go out into the pouring rain like a pussy, and open her door for her. Open it from the inside. You do not want to reek of desperation. She will enter your car, apologize for dripping water all over your shitty interior, but you will brush it off with the wave of your hand. Remember, compassion, human suffering, niceness. Put the dick away for now.
Now that you have her in the car, speed off before she changes her mind. Ask her questions about her life, gently probing and poking at the hard shell that has formed around her social being after all these years. Don't say anything about you because no one gives a fuck. Talk about her and only her. If there are any awkward pauses, tell her about your missionary work in the Philippines or your charity work with the blind. It's okay, you can make it up. Remember: It's not a lie if you believe it. This check is sensitive, and she loves a sensitive guy. Milk that cow till its bone dry.
When you arrive at her house, tell her that it was nice meeting her, and perhaps if it's okay, you can call her sometime? Make sure you sound innocent and naïve, even though we both know you're a horny freak who can't wait to get into her pants. If you she does not yes, then recall my 100% money back guarantee.
But I assure you she will, you pimp you. And if she doesn't, send her over to my place. At least one of us will get laid."
www.ubersite.com/m/50706
;D Hope you enjoyed!
